Why is taking the first step the hardest? The following steps somehow seem easier.
I am writing this because I find myself in the ironic situation of…I was in much better shape in the middle of chemo than I am now. It’s crazy. My motivation for exercise has evaporated. I’m sure it is partly due to the Dutch winter weather and that I no longer have the structured “chemo-cise” program. It is difficult to remember where I was a year ago and realize what I need to recover. Some days it feels almost impossible to get myself up and moving. Almost.
I have been trying to be more disciplined and can feel my fitness level improve (which helps my motivation). But the biggest hurdle I need to overcome every time is just changing into my running gear. Somehow the thought of changing makes me sink deeper into the couch that I am sitting on. Facebook becomes more interesting or I remember that “one thing” I need to look up. It takes a conscious choice to move the computer and take the first step. There are days when my desire and determination win and there are days when it doesn’t. But I always feel so much better when I run.
These decisions to move aren’t limited to exercise. The first step is the hardest in almost every process. Especially the ones where we can’t see the full path. Are there changes you want to make? Do you want to learn to cook? Are there habits you want to form or break? Does not seeing the the full path keep you from starting? Identify the first step and just start…because without that first step you will always stay where you’ve always been.
2 Corinthians 12:9 is a popular verse for Christians and one that I have received comfort from and have been convicted by this year.
” My grace is enough, it’s all you need
My strength comes into its own in your weakness”
2 Corinthians 12:9 (The Message)
It is easy to say but I know that I haven’t always lived my life trusting that God’s grace REALLY is sufficient for me. And what does that even mean? We can limit it to something we only need to cover our sins. I have heard people use this to justify passivity…maybe there is an action you feel called to take but it’s OK “God’s grace” is enough for me so I don’t need to do that. Or, we say his grace is all we need and continue to pursue our own agendas and plans…then when we get to a crisis moment we find a way to solve it or hide it as fast as possible because it is painful and uncomfortable. We really are WEAK and often rather than allowing God’s grace to truly be enough we find a way to avoid the situation. I know I did…until I found myself in a place where I couldn’t avoid or control or escape. It was a strange/scary feeling to look around for my available options and find that I had none except truly landing on God’s grace. It kind of felt like this scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade:
You know what? Grace really is sufficient…but it is not magic…it requires a real leap of faith by leaving the ground you have been standing on. And it typically means you need to wrestle with God through the hardship until your eyes and trust are fully on him and his purposes. It’s not always fun but it is freeing.
I think we spend a lifetime working out what it means to trust completely in grace but I am going to describe what it meant for me on Monday evening. Nothing glamorous but honest:
“There are a lot of things I would change about my situation if I could. I am not pretending things are fabulous…in general I live with a constant ache in my soul and I have absolutely no idea how things are going to turn out. I have peace, hope and trust but there is a war in my heart every moment of the day about which side is on top. The evenings are the worst. The darkness. The quiet. A TV show has brought some raw/hopeless feelings to the surface and it feels hard to breathe. Who knew that empty space can feel so oppressive? I have chosen to not have any wine this evening which means I feel the full spectrum of emotions. It’s time to get ready for bed. Lord, how do I even move? Honestly, I don’t know how but I move off the couch and head upstairs. I feel tired from not sleeping the night before and weak from being emotionally drained. I hit my knees…I don’t always pray on my knees but I was broken…
Lord, do you see me here? Do you see my pain? The hurt in my heart that I want so badly to be healed? Can you really touch those raw deep places? There is so much I want to change! I hate this! Is your grace REALLY all I need? These are the moments when it is hard to believe because it hurts so much. How do I trust? [something shifts in my spirit] I trust because you have been faithful beyond what I can imagine this year and even though it is hard to trust I believe you will continue. It really hurts but there is no place I can go where you can’t see me…even though sometimes I feel completely alone. I continue to offer you my heart to heal and restore. I don’t want to pull it back and “protect” it due to fear, anger and bitterness…but I also know that I can’t do that on my own. All I can do is keep coming to you asking for your transformation and healing…it is happening…just slowly. Thank you for loving me as much as you do.
I lay awake in bed most of the night. Even though I am exhausted I can’t sleep due to my medicine and emotions. A CRAZY spring rain storm passes over my house at about 1 am. It was ridiculously loud. I wasn’t sure if it was hail or rain pounding on the windows but it seemed to feel like the storm in my heart. Tossing and turning…Ugh I need to be up in 5 hours for work. Eventually I must have fallen asleep but I wake up more tired than when I went to bed. Lord, I don’t have the energy or the focus for today and I have a training in statistics…this is where I know I need your grace.
I left my house to head to my carpool. The rain had washed everything clean. The birds were chirping and there was even some blue (ish) sky . Spring smells of wet dirt and flowers filled my nose. I took a deep breath and it was as if God spoke back to me “Lynnea, your storm will eventually pass. There will be flowers, new life and springtime. I see you and things are changing even if you can’t see them yet…hang in there.” Me back to God after a deep breath and resetting my spirit “OK, this is not a fun process and I don’t know how I will survive it…but only by your strength every day. I trust in your promises. And you need to help me get through work today…I’m exhausted and you know I hate statistics.” End Story.
I feel like part of my purpose in this season is to break down some of the “Christian-ized” perceptions of how to walk through these difficult spaces with faith and hope. God’s grace IS sufficient. Right now. In the present. Not tomorrow or next week. NOW. It doesn’t mean that things will be magically easy. It means that it is an opportunity for God to transform your heart if you let Him. There is real hope. I believe in a God of redemption who will bring beauty out of the ashes of our broken lives. And I am proclaiming that even before I know what the beauty is in my own life…I’m still standing amongst the dying embers. I trust God’s promise that I will not go down or be burned up. That he is working all things out for my benefit even though I can’t see it yet.
I don’t have a lot of practical tips because grace is God’s arena, but we can make ourselves more available…take some space to ask yourself these questions:
Are there emotions I have a hard time facing? Failure, Rejection, Fear, Pain, Boredom, Sadness, Uncertainty, Anxiety
Do I use anything to distract myself or numb these emotions? These examples aren’t all bad in themselves but we can use them to avoid the hard things in life: TV, work, Facebook, alcohol, sex, exercise, kids, relationships
It is in these places where we say with our actions and choices whether Grace is sufficient. Are you truly trusting and relying on God or yourself? It is always in the difficult places we come face to face with our true hearts. It is easy to proclaim grace is sufficient on Sunday but what about the dark corners of your life? In what areas do you need to take a “leap of faith”?
This blog has been a bigger blessing in my life than I anticipated when I began writing. Sharing my journey has helped me make real connections with people going through similar trials. It has helped me know how many people are supporting me around the world which makes me feel less alone and isolated. Another thing I have appreciated, as I hit the 1 year anniversary of various milestones, is that it has captured my thoughts and feelings through this year. I can look back and read posts about my surgery or feeling scared before my first chemo infusion. I can relive some of the grief from lost dreams because I have chosen to be honest in this forum. Being able to look back helps me to look forward and that will be the topic of this Storm Survival post.
Almost exactly a year ago I wrote a post titled: I will remember. That was not a good season. That was an especially bad day. I was just starting chemo and it was going…well as good as chemo can go…but life outside of cancer had just become excruciating. I was broken. I was overwhelmed by everything that was coming at me. I didn’t have the capacity to deal with or process things that I needed to. I spent a lot of time in bed or on the couch in a daze. Breathing seemed to take too much effort. But I chose to write a post about remembrance. I believe in a good and faithful God, who is bigger than my circumstances, who has worked miracles and loves me more than I can imagine. A God of redemption. When my life was falling apart I chose to lift my eyes and remember the works and miracles of the past. His character hasn’t changed just because my life circumstances are hard.
I re-read that post…remembering all the pain I was feeling in that moment…and thinking some things have changed…some things haven’t. I had no idea what was in store for me over the next year when I wrote that. I had no idea what would still be stripped away and what I would need to surrender. I had no idea that God was actively training my heart to rely ONLY on him because the biggest tests were coming and I would be forced to my knees like never before. I had no idea that I would be able to point to practical examples of God’s protection of me. That I would be pushed completely out of my capacity into his and he really would sustain me…through the most difficult season I have ever faced…and am still facing.
I am not the same person I was a year ago. Only by God’s grace I am a better version of myself. This year has been scorching but it is solidifying who I am as a woman and a child of God. But the act of remembrance is one I need to renew and struggle with every morning. It wasn’t just a nice thought a year ago but the beginning of a continual process of calling to mind God’s faithfulness when my life circumstances want to pull my eyes down to my own hardships. This is an excerpt from my post a year ago:
Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.
3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.[b]
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion? ”
10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
13 Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
16 The waters saw you, God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the heavens resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
At this particular moment I feel like I am living in the first half of this psalm (vs 1-10). Where my spirit is grieving and weary. It is difficult to be comforted or to find the strength to carry on. Sleep is hard to come by and it is impossible to know what to do. Except remember. I will choose to remember the ways God has worked in my life and the power/miracles he has displayed throughout time. This is not overly spiritualized my heart is still heavy…but I know my God. I know he is the giver of life and redemption. I know he can move mountains and pray fervently for transformation and provision. And with this remembrance comes the peace of knowing it will not always be this way.
Once again…Psalm 77 by Kristin Serafini
I would love to say that after a year all my struggles are in the past. Unfortunately that is not the case. I am, however, in a different place. I have my moments of grief but I don’t feel like I am trapped any longer in the overwhelming, emotional cycle of the first 10 verses. It is easier for me to see and hold on to how faithful God has been through the generations and in my life. Again, note that I said easIER…because I still have to fight against my pride and desire to control things. It is not easy for me to truly let go but I am learning every day that that is the only way to true freedom. There is a mountain being moved in my life. It is still in process and in general it isn’t fun but God REALLY is moving a mountain. So I will keep remembering…I will keep clinging…I will keep hoping.
Practical tips:
I have a list of the very real, very practical ways I have seen God provide and protect me this past year. When I doubt, when I am scared, when I am losing hope I read it. I remember the faithfulness of the past and wait expecting the same for the future…even when I can’t see the path yet.
Sometimes “remembering” is hearing someone else’s testimony about how God has transformed their heart and life. Everyone’s story is different but hearing the ways God has worked helps keep me going. There are so many but here are a few I would recommend “The Hiding Place” by Corrie Ten Boom (This book will give you an amazing perspective on what Thanksgiving is), “Blood Brothers” by Elias Chacour (Finding God’s hope for reconciliation in a difficult region), “A Severe Mercy” by Sheldon Vanauken (Read this one with a box of tissue…but definitely read it)
Once again with the journaling. Nothing tells you how far you have come like a record of where you have been.
No other practical suggestions except do what you can to get up every morning…it wont always be like this.
The Brain is the most important organ in our body and one that we, quite often, take for granted. It is the command center for absolutely every mental and physical function. I am able to type this blog post because a group of neurons in my brain are putting words together into ideas that hopefully make sense. Some other neurons simultaneously break the words down into letters and send electrical and chemical signals to my fingers to type the appropriate keys on this keyboard. The human body is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.
May is Brain Cancer Awareness month and a message that I am happy to highlight on this blog. Brain Cancer is one of the rarest forms of cancer so it doesn’t get the awareness it deserves. I have a friend from college, Alex Moore, who through his own battle with this disease has educated me on the need for more attention and funding.
He has also directed me towards Lumosity.com which is a website designed to improve your brain function and has helped me make strides in my own fight against “chemo brain”. I imagine it is useful for anyone wanting to exercise this valuable asset.
A few interesting Brain Facts (For the full list go here)
The human brain weighs 3 lbs
There are no pain receptors in the brain so it literally feels no pain
There are 100,000 miles of blood vessels in the brain
The human brain has about 100 billion neurons, a stack of 100 billion pieces of paper would be about 5000 miles high.
Your brain uses 20% of the oxygen and 20% of the blood circulating in your body
Excessive stress has shown to alter brain cells, brain structure and function
You can’t tickle yourself because your brain can distinguish between unexpected external touch and your own touch
Fascinating right? Here are a few specific suggestions from Alex on how you can help spread awareness on this topic:
You can do something really cool on Twitter. If you Follow @EndBrainCancer…and retweet one of their tweets using hashtag #TuneIn2GBM Novocure will donate $5 to the Chris Elliott Fund (a charity that helps patients and families with GBM diagnosis and supports brain cancer research)
You can friend Alexander Moore on Facebook…you can then take a picture of yourself wearing grey and tag him (or tag me and I’ll tag him )…mentioning that you’re doing it for brain cancer awareness month. This actually really huge because if you do the math it will quickly reach thousands of people
Go like the Operation: ABC “Annihilate Brain Cancer” page. It lists events around the country and tries to give a unified voice to the brain cancer family. (Oh yeah, they’re a family. You need everyone you can get to help fight this beast.)
Find a local Brain Tumor run and sign up for it
Braintumor.org and abc2.org are the most comprehensive websites out there about brain tumor advocacy and awareness and research.
I think it is important to highlight these things…because cancer is a sneaky disease and you never know when it might become personal.
Grief. It isn’t pleasant but it is an inevitable part of our life if we choose to invest our heart and care about anything. In general our society does not deal very well with it. We avoid it. We judge it. We numb it. No wonder people choose to harden their hearts and keep them locked away. It is safer that way. Grief hurts. It is a natural response to loss. Losing dreams. Losing people. Losing your reality and adjusting to a new life. And the process of grieving is unique to each person.
I am in a course right now and we just completed a section on grieving. In general we tend to experience/judge emotions based on our family upbringing. If anger or tears weren’t acceptable then you might have a tendency to judge those aspects of your grieving process. For me, I want to hit the fast forward button and get to the healed part. I know the emotions themselves are OK and necessary…I just don’t like being in the midst of them. However, experiencing them, in their natural timing, is the only way through them. Big sigh.
If you are grieving yourself or someone in your life is, it can be difficult to know how to ask people to relate to you…or know what to say. The material I am studying gave permission to share these tips with “family and friends”…maybe sharing them on the blog is a liberal interpretation of that. I hope not because they are useful. I didn’t write them but I don’t feel comfortable revealing the source because it’s too personal.
To be helpful, those dealing with a grieving individual should…
Normalize what they are going through.
Not throw Scripture band-aids at the grieving individual (even with good intentions)
Refrain from telling the person that they know exactly how they feel.
Let them talk about it if they want to, while being respectful if they don’t.
Keep from making assumptions about anything
Encourage them that one day their pain will be manageable – And it REALLY will be
Give them hope for better days, but be realistic about the time frame. (The first year is difficult the second may be a bit easier)
Continue to support them over time without expectations.
Call and leave messages without expecting to hear from the hurting one.
Basically, give them freedom and space to be authentic with their feelings without judgement. Because grief can come from SO many different places. It can be having something irreplaceable destroyed or stolen. A miscarriage. Your security in your home or health might have been taken. Loss of a cherished pet. The key is being honest with the feelings and allowing them to pass through you because experiencing them is the only way to move beyond them. If you don’t…then they will continue to influence your life in negative ways. I go back to this post I wrote about the hidden beauty of pain. I truly think that we need to allow ourselves the space to experience the hard emotions in order to experience the positive. Otherwise we just get numb. And personally I would rather experience pain/joy than nothing.
So here are a few practical tips:
Again I am going to come back to the journaling – write it out. If you tend to judge your feelings ask yourself why? Do you think you should be feeling something different than you are? Do you think you should be over it by now?
Read “A grief observed” by CS Lewis if you need to normalize the pain you are experiencing
Scale back on commitments if necessary. Give yourself some space but be aware if the space is turning into isolation and depression. You might need a professional to help you sort through your feelings. That is not weakness but courage to face the real issues head on and recognizing that you can’t do it alone.
Know that there is hope. I am still in the midst of the storm but I feel the tide shifting. Things are hard but not as hard as they used to be. There is a small part of me starting to believe everyone who told me “I wont always feel like this”.
And I have actually received some orders. So this past week and a half I have been frantically making trees trying to get them into the mail before the Royal craziness descends on the Netherlands tomorrow. (And I literally mean “Royal” craziness…Queen Beatrix is abdicating the throne to the crown prince Willem Alexander on Tuesday making him the first King here in more than a century. And we will celebrate that with a big party and a controversial song – if you’re interested check out “The King’s song”/”Koningslied” here )
Now once I finished the trees and carefully packaged them…I had a moment of anxiety as I brought them to the post office. If I choose to have the package tracked it increases my shipping cost by $25, which is substantial. But with standard post I drop the envelopes in the box, say a prayer, cross my fingers and do a rain dance hoping they make it to the proper destination. I am completely powerless to guarantee they reach the right person and am at the mercy of the postal service. It is not easy for me to let that go.
Now my mom likes to send me inspirational e-mails periodically and right after I came home from the post office this “Streams in the Desert” email was in my inbox.
“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” Hebrews 11:1
Genuine faith puts its letter in the mailbox and lets go. Distrust, however, holds on to a corner of the envelope and then wonders why the answer never arrives. There are some letters on my desk that I wrote weeks ago, but I have yet to mail them because of my uncertainty over the address or the contents. Those letters have not done any good for me or anyone else at this point. And they never will accomplish anything until I let go of them, trusting them to the postal service.
It is the same with genuine faith. It hands its circumstance over to God, allowing Him to work. Psalm 37:5 is a great confirmation of this:”Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this.” He will never work until we commit…
Talk about timing. It was interesting to me that I had just wrestled with the reality of releasing these envelopes and came home to an e-mail comparing that to releasing all aspects of my life. Releasing the control of reaching a certain destination. Recognizing the talents and gifts I have been blessed with and offering those back to God to use for his kingdom. Releasing my fears of judgement and apprehension about whether I am good enough.
And while I know there is a reason why I don’t fully trust the Postal Service…it is not infallible and does lose packages. I am thankful that in the things that really matter I can fully entrust them to God. I have had to put my weight down on Him in every aspect of my life this year. And His faithfulness continues to humble and amaze me…although you’d think I would come to expect it by now.
What are you holding on to? Are there things you need to release?
I think one of the hardest things to do in difficult season…or maybe in our busy, noisy, distracted western lives in general…is to find our center. This sounds all Zen but from what I can tell it comes down to a single question. Who are you? Who are you when no one is looking? Who are you when you are free to make choices without external expectations? And are you OK with that person regardless of what other people think? It is easy to get pulled in a million different directions by responsibilities and life and to lose ourselves amidst the chaos. When a crisis hits we then become swept away by a tidal wave of fear or grief and get kicked around by the waves. The wind and waves of life are inevitable and unless we know what our center/anchor is they can move us from where we want to be without us realizing it.
I picture it kind of like a buoy in the ocean. When the wind and the waves come it will be a rough ride for a while but if your anchor stays in tact…you wont shift very far. If the anchor breaks or you never had one to begin with you might wind up in uncharted waters or on the beach. Either place you are no longer where you want to be and ultimately ineffective.
My center is defined by my faith.
Who am I? Well, I am Lynnea. Nice to meet you. I am absolutely known and loved by my God. Even though I’ve done my best in this life, I screw up A LOT and rely completely on God’s grace and forgiveness to bridge the gap from me to Him. I trust that as I wake up everyday He will help me to become the best version of myself but it will be a life long process.
This might sound overly spiritual but by defining myself this way my anchor is stable despite my circumstances. My choices then flow from this anchor point. I am currently attempting to:
fight for love and forgiveness/fight against anger and bitterness even when it is difficult…it sometimes seems impossible
try to be authentic even when it is scary – example: this blog
fight to keep my heart soft and vulnerable even when fear of pain can tell me to keep it safe and tucked away
live my life according to the principles outlined in the Bible…even when it doesn’t make sense to people around me.
practice thankfulness
daily recognize that I will continue to fail miserably in all these things but it does not keep me from continuing to try
I don’t do these things perfectly by any means…and actually I can’t do any of them without God’s grace…but as I fight for them he is faithful to provide the strength and transform my heart. Notice that they are all internal not external activities like: wife, engineer, success, intelligence, etc. They are all good things and am thankful that they add to my life but I don’t find my center in them anymore. (I’ve tried in the past…it doesn’t work) They can easily be stripped away and then I find myself beached.
Also notice that I use the verb fight a few times because life has a way of making these choices difficult. I have to fight against my own selfishness. I have to recognize that even though circumstances can be excruciating…the only control I have is over my own reaction. I can respond from my wounded places or fight to attempt to respond from a life giving place (very very hard – but ultimately worth it). Fight against a culture that will abandon something once it “no longer works for me”…but really believe/hope that God will keep his promise to work all things out for my benefit.
It’s not always easy and requires intentional choices but living in our center is where we are the most FREE.
OK, now how do you find your center. Excellent question. I don’t believe that everyone reading this is Christian so I will try to keep the tips more general.
Practical Tips:
Can you answer the question “Who am I?” If not maybe carve out some quiet space for 15 minutes a day to either write or pray about this. And if your first response is a role you have (wife, engineer, artist) maybe try to dig a bit deeper. What kind of a person do you want to be? What makes you want to be that person?
Take a hard look at your choices and actions. Do they reflect the answer you gave to question 1? Or do they show something different? Sometimes we can mentally define ourselves one way but our choices show our true heart.
If there are behaviors you want to change set your intention. Maybe tell someone. Write it on a piece of paper or put something somewhere to remind you. (Similar to a tip on Practicing Thankfulness)
Go for a walk without head phones/music. It’s springtime and (hopefully) sunny…new life is everywhere. Listen to the birds. Some how walking always helps me to refocus and clear my head.
Happy Wednesday and here’s to surviving another week.
in the middle of chemo than I am now. It’s crazy. My motivation for exercise has evaporated. I’m sure it is partly due to the Dutch winter weather and that I no longer have the structured “chemo-cise” program. It is difficult to remember where I was a year ago and realize what I need to recover. Some days it feels almost impossible to get myself up and moving. Almost.
But I always feel so much better when I run.
. Spring smells of wet dirt and flowers filled my nose. I took a deep breath and it was as if God spoke back to me “Lynnea, your storm will eventually pass. There will be flowers, new life and springtime. I see you and things are changing even if you can’t see them yet…hang in there.” Me back to God after a deep breath and resetting my spirit “OK, this is not a fun process and I don’t know how I will survive it…but only by your strength every day. I trust in your promises. And you need to help me get through work today…I’m exhausted and you know I hate statistics.” End Story.
releasing these envelopes and came home to an e-mail comparing that to releasing all aspects of my life. Releasing the control of reaching a certain destination. Recognizing the talents and gifts I have been blessed with and offering those back to God to use for his kingdom. Releasing my fears of judgement and apprehension about whether I am good enough.
