Monthly Archives: May 2012

The life lesson I am learning from my kindle

Posted on by
5

Welp the 3rd infusion is done and behind me, got the IV on the first go…Yes!…now comes the role of the side effects dice. Fingers crossed for a big winner. :-) This is a post I was working on for a bit and thought it was as good a time as any to send it out to the internet.

Have you ever heard the quote… “It’s about the journey, not the destination?” I understand the idea but honestly I really hate it because it flies against my natural mode of operation. I don’t love the journey for the sake of being on a journey.  Just dancing through life soaking up the beautiful moments, I am focused on the goal. What am I working towards? And will I like it when I get there? I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment and checking something off the list. I can remember being on a hike in the beautiful cascade mountains and stopping myself ½ way up amazed at what I was focused on for the first 1.5 hours.  My thoughts shifted between… “How far have I gone?”… “How far do I have left to go?” … “How are my legs/knees doing?” … “Do I think they’ll make it?”… I was focused on where I put my feet but never looked up from the trail long enough to enjoy the reason why I was hiking in the first place. These are the moments when I know that I need to make more of an effort to be present in the journey because I don’t want to miss it, but it doesn’t happen naturally for me. I have to choose.

I know that part of the reason why I can’t just abandon myself to the process is a fear that it won’t turn out the way I want. Again, I can feel this most often when I am watching a sporting match or reading a book.  I have friends that will religiously avoid Facebook or the internet if they’ve missed a match or TV show so they don’t run the risk of “spoilers”. Those little bits of information that give away the ending and ruin the surprise. I will actively seek them so I know whether it is worth starting the journey in the first place. Jonathan laughs at me when I read because if there are characters I am invested in and the story is intense I will flip to the end and skim the pages for the names I want to make it. I don’t actually want to know what the ending is but I want to know that the characters I care about will make it. Confession: I totally did this with Harry Potter. I want to know that I am free to enjoy their story because in the end it all works out.

Now enter the kindle… I really enjoy the kindle. I wasn’t sure if I would miss holding a real book but it’s been great. The e-ink. The fact that I can carry 1400 books everywhere (not that I do…but I can). I can purchase and download a book in seconds, which is nice in a country where it can be difficult to get the books you want in English. Really, I am a huge promoter of this little device. But the one thing it has changed for me…I can’t skip to the end. It’s a pain in the butt on this digital wonder to get to the end of the book and back to the same spot.  So, I’m forced to either 1. Not read anymore or 2. Open myself up for the journey and risk the end not being what I want.  I have chosen to keep reading.

Of course this is all a big metaphor for my life right now. I want the last few pages. I want to know that this life I have turns out the way I want. I want to know how cancer plays itself out in the future. I want to know whether relationships are worth the investment. But these pages are not there to know and I am focusing on trying to embrace the journey.

Blessings,

Lynnea

It’s that time again…

Posted on by
7

The last few weeks have been a bit quiet on the blogging front…partly because we’ve had guests…partly because my brain has felt like a pile of mush…but mostly because this cycle has been rough and I just didn’t feel like it. And I decided that that’s OK. :-)

But I thought it was worth mentioning that I have my 3rd infusion tomorrow. This marks the 1/2 way point in my chemo journey…crazy. I celebrated my last day of feeling “normal” for the next couple weeks by:

- eating a giant bowl of guacamole – yum! It’s nice to have taste buds again.

- running 6k

- hydrate, hydrate, hydrate

- cleaning a bit

- reading a bit

- praying a bit

- prepping my “infusion” food…this time spinach tortellini

Please pray the next cycle will be a bit more gentle…and like always the IV going in on the first try. :-)

Blessings,

Lynnea

Quick Update

Posted on by
2

I realized I haven’t posted an update since my last chemo infusion…probably because for the last week I’ve felt a little like this:

I was doing pretty good immediately after infusion #2 but then last week it felt like I got run over by a bus with the nausea and fatigue. I can’t tell if it was just from the chemo or if I also had a bit of the stomach flu…either way I lived my life between my bed and my couch for a few days. With the chemo shutting down cellular regeneration and hormones my body has no idea which way is up or down.  I feel like I am on the mend now but I will probably still be a bit tired until my next infusion on the 31st.

I will write something more blog worthy when I feel up for it but for now I’m just trying to recover. At least the spring time weather has finally arrived in the Netherlands. :-)

Blessings,

Lynnea

 

I will remember

Posted on by
5

Well I survived receiving another chemo infusion. They got the IV started on the first time again…yippee! I’m going to keep asking for that because it is a tangible answered prayer for me. And I decided that I was going to skip the dry Dutch bread and cheese that they give you for lunch here and bring my own fabulous baked sweet potato fries. It was entertaining to watch people try to figure out what I was eating, because of course I had a little ketchup with them being an American. And once someone finally had enough curiosity to ask they just couldn’t get their minds around it for a few reasons…it wasn’t a sandwich for lunch…there wasn’t mayo for the fries…and who eats ketchup? I had a quick conversation with them about how sweet potatoes are SO much better for you than normal white potatoes and they seemed interested but who knows if it stuck. All I know is that I was very happy with my lunch and that’s all that really matters. Today I feel pretty good, no nausea, and I’m now in the balance of trying to never get too hungry or too full…and hydrate! At any given moment I have no less than 5 cups scattered around the house with various levels of water, juice, tea, and coffee.

My spirit was down going into this round because we received some extremely bad news that is probably worse than hearing you have cancer. The details of this are not for public blogging but it’s enough to say we’ve got some other stuff to deal with. So I must have a great excavator in my life that just doubled the pit I am now sitting in but here’s hoping we have hit bedrock.

In the midst of all of this I have been slowly reading through a book given to me by my new pastor and his wife at Vineyard Groningen, The Blessing Book by Linda Dillow. The 2nd chapter of this book has been especially relevant to me. The one I want to share with you today is called “I will remember” and it’s based around Psalm 77.

Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands,
and I would not be comforted.
3 I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.[b]
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion? ”
10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.

11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”
13 Your ways, God, are holy.
What god is as great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
16 The waters saw you, God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the heavens resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

At this particular moment I feel like I am living in the first half of this psalm (vs 1-10). Where my spirit is grieving and weary. It is difficult to be comforted or to find the strength to carry on. Sleep is hard to come by and it is impossible to know what to do. Except remember. I will choose to remember the ways God has worked in my life and the power/miracles he has displayed throughout time. This is not overly spiritualized my heart is still heavy…but I know my God. I know he is the giver of life and redemption. I know he can move mountains and pray fervently for transformation and provision.  And with this remembrance comes the peace of knowing it will not always be this way.

Psalm 77 by Kristin Serafini

Blessings,

Lynnea

Giddy-up…Ready for Chemo #2

Posted on by
20

It’s hard to believe that 3 weeks has passed already and that I am set for my next chemo infusion tomorrow. My hair is falling out in patches so my kick ass crew cut has turned into something that more closely resembles a style from a concentration camp.  And while I’ve tried to hurry the hair loss process along with some duct tape it remains very patchy and unattractive.  My spirit has been down these past two days and I have a lot of anxiety for this next round. But, I must face it and will take the side effects as they come. One day at a time. I’ve been drinking water these last 3 weeks like I am about to face a drought and it has really helped my veins. Each blood draw has been a piece of cake…apparently I’ve lived these last few years in a constant state of dehydration. :-) This is a pretty quick update. I’ll let you know how it goes when I’m up to it.

Specific prayer requests:

-       Again, that they would get the IV on the first try. I’m getting spoiled now.

-       That I my anxiety would ease in remembering God’s provision and faithfulness.

Blessings,

Lynnea

May the 5th

Posted on by
2

Back in the states I always looked forward to Cinco de Mayo. It was the perfect excuse to head to a Mexican restaurant, eat guacamole and drink a few Coronas…hopefully outside on a patio but in Seattle that was never a guarantee.  When we moved to Europe we learned quickly that Cinco de Mayo was a very American celebration and most folks had never heard of it.  But in the Netherlands we weren’t sad for very long because they have their own May 5th celebration…bevrijdingsdag…or Liberation Day. It is a festival marking the Dutch liberation from the German occupation during WWII.

I have a couple quick thoughts on things I am thankful for using these two celebrations as metaphors.

Liberation Day

I was at the gym this morning and I turned on my ½ marathon playlist and the song I start all my runs with is O Praise Him by David Crowder. It’s an upbeat song and never fails to put a smile on my face and focus my mind even if running is the last thing I want to be doing at that moment. So, in the midst of the Netherlands celebrating it’s freedom after the war I had a moment to give thanks for my own personal liberation. The liberation that God gave me from death through his son. I am no longer occupied by sin but have been rescued and live in abundance and freedom. For this I am extremely humbled and thankful and can do nothing except offer my praise in return.

Cinco de Mayo

Contrary to some misinformed folks Cinco de Mayo is not a celebration of Mexico’s independence but of some random battle between France and Mexico in Pueblo. Mexico was the underdog and they claimed an unlikely victory. But nobody thinks about that, cinco de mayo has since turned into a celebration of Mexican culture and pride in the US. Today I was thankful for the opportunity to exercise and help my body become stronger. It feels SO good to do something and to feel like I am helping my body to actively fight this battle.  I have been going twice a week to a “chemo” exercise session and I feel like I have gotten stronger after my infusion 2 weeks ago. I wasn’t sure what to expect from this workout.  Maybe they would take it easy and put me on a bike for 30 minutes because “I’m sick”. But I have been surprised that it’s a proper exercise program with 45 minutes of cardio (bike, rowing machine, elliptical…with interval training) and 45 minutes of weights (arms, legs and abs). I am pleasantly exhausted after and have no guilt at all sitting on the couch for the rest of the day. Today during the workout I felt like a soldier and I had a picture of my white blood cells as guerilla fighters taking on the nasty rogue cancer cells. I am just thankful that my body allows me to be active. I know that this is a blessing and my circumstances could be different.

I will now return to my guacamole…Happy Saturday.

Blessings,

Lynnea

Dealing with cancer as a fiercely independent introvert (Part 1)

Posted on by
8

Someone told me a joke once: “What is the difference between an introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer?” Answer: an introverted engineer stares at his shoes while talking to you and an extroverted engineer stares as your shoes. Hardy har har. Hilarious. :-) While this joke pokes fun at the (sometimes accurate, mostly inaccurate) stereotype of the socially awkward, pocket protector wearing engineer it also misrepresents the difference between introversion and extroversion.

 I am an introvert. It comes out in every personality test I take. When I tell people this they are sometimes quite surprised because they see me as a friendly, outgoing, social person…which is also true. The two are not mutually exclusive. The difference between introversion and extroversion isn’t measured by how social you are but by where you get your energy.  I love being with people but it costs me energy to do it and I need to recharge by myself after.  Extroverts will gain energy when they are with people and spend more energy to be alone. (Side note: I think personalities are fascinating)

 Being a “social” introvert with cancer has created quite a dilemma. We have collected friends here in the Netherlands and around the world, who care for us dearly and who are concerned about how we are doing.  But processing through and dealing with everything we have to face leaves my energy reserves low. So at a time when people are reaching out to us more than ever my ability to respond to it has never been lower. See: Dilemma. I still go out in social settings now but I have to check myself first to see if I have the capacity for it and I have to mentally prepare for it. I have to prepare myself to answer the same questions over and over (seriously, it’s like sorority rush cancer edition) because friends want to know how I am feeling and how we are doing.  But honestly, if you are here reading this you should have a pretty good idea.  We have intentionally set this up and share our feelings/thoughts in a way to help people feel included in our process. This is our way of addressing the dilemma.

Friends have mentioned to me that they wish they could do more to support us personally. I have to say that sending a care package, e-mail, card, comment on the blog, text message, or reaching out on Facebook is the PERFECT way to support right now. Honestly. We read them all, it lets us know you’re thinking about us but gives me the freedom to respond when I feel up for it. If you call me out of the blue, I’m sorry but I will most likely ignore it, because 1. I don’t like talking on the phone and 2. I haven’t had a chance to mentally prepare. It’s just the way life is right now. Jonathan, does not appear to have the same problem I do so if you feel the need to call…call him. :-)

Update: Things after the first treatment have continued to be quite OK. I have my tired days but in general feel pretty good.  The only major side effect is that my taste buds have gone haywire and my mouth has a constant metallic taste. It’s not pleasant but it will be manageable for the next 4.5 months. It was Queen’s Day yesterday and the weather was beautiful so we wandered into town to check out the markets and music. I decided to try out a blonde look as I toasted the Queen with the rest of Groningen.  What do you think?  It was a fun day but I can tell today that I spent too much energy yesterday and will be on the couch most of the day recovering. But, it was worth it.

Blessings,

Lynnea