Monthly Archives: July 2012

My Rock

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Yowza…that was some post yesterday. It was an honest and raw account of my week but now I need to add a follow up.  I apparently left folks a little bit hanging and have received quite a few messages making sure everything is OK. And no, honestly, things aren’t OK…but they will be…someday. This little blog is a space to write about how I’m weathering the storms of life and right now there are some pretty fierce winds from many directions. But through God’s strength I will not be blown away.

Today, at my chemo-cise group, I got a chance to chat with another woman I’ve connected with. For the sake of this story we will call her C. We were both friends with, R, the woman who is now facing a much longer/harder road with breast cancer. I was on the exercise bike and C came up and hopped on the one next to me. I asked her how she was doing and she said that she has had a very heavy week. She has been sick, her work is not going well and she feels absolutely surrounded by cancer. Oh sister I feel ya!! C mentioned that it had gotten to be too much and she went to see a counselor. She then pulled a flat, smooth stone out of the pocket of her exercise pants. She said “My counselor gave me this and told me to hold onto it when the thoughts get to be too heavy. I then need to try and think about something else” I asked her what she thinks about, and C said she didn’t know yet. She’s not very good at refocusing her thoughts but it felt good to hold on to the rock. Oh sister I feel that too!!

But my rock is not a stone in my pocket but personal God that I cling to. And good grief…right now I am clinging for dear life…but in the midst of all this he has been faithful. OK, now yesterday’s post is complete. I can weather these crappy weeks by standing on my rock.
Blessings,

Lynnea

Thought fragments

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I have sat down to try and write a blog post a few times this week but my thoughts are all over the map and nothing coherent came out. So now I am embracing the fragments and putting them out in bullet form:

    • Side effects from the 5th infusion are still rolling along…they are heavier each time but still thankfully not the worst case they could be. Again the IV on the first time! :-) I realize now that it’s a bit out dated but here are the “vlaggetjes” that the nurses in the chemo ward hung up for our anniversary.
    • My body has now fully succumbed to “chemo-pause” and will be with me for the next few years. I love my mother dearly but never imagined we would be able to commiserate about menopause symptoms. Hot flashes are no joke! I never thought I’d say this but the one life saver is being bald! A cold, wet towel feels AMAZING.
    • My heart has been heavy with stories of recurrence and women who are facing extremely difficult battles. This disease sucks and takes so many things it shouldn’t.
    • I had an emotional break this week. I had just learned that my dear chemo-cise friend was now officially facing an aggressive recurrence and I couldn’t shut out the hurricane of emotional noise in my life right now. I have often prayed on my knees but this was the first time I felt like I physically couldn’t stand up and was forced down – Completely overwhelmed by the unknown path laid out in front of me. I feel alone in so many ways right now but God met me in that cathartic space.

Source: google.com via Emily on Pinterest

 

  • After my meltdown :-) I spent an hour dreaming about running away. Where could I fly to tomorrow and leave all this behind…beaches, mountains, cities. It was fun to dream for a bit and get my mind off things. But I know that running away is not a solution. And while I want to fucking kick the crap out of cancer, I know that I can’t leave it behind. It’s part of my story now and I am being transformed by it.

I know this seems heavy, but I’ve had some good light hearted moments also…I’m feeling a bit bi-polar. Let’s blame the chemo-pausal mood swings. :-)
Blessings,

Lynnea

With this ring

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This was a very happy day

This Thursday July 12th 2012 happens to be the date of my 5th chemo infusion…it also happens to be Jonathan and my 4th wedding anniversary. It’s crazy to sit where we are now and look back on our wedding day. We had no idea what was in store for us…but nobody does. :-) Most of our close friends seemed to be buying houses and building families (and we also wanted those things) so it seemed likely that we would follow the trend. I never anticipated that the next 4 years would consist of: Losing jobs, quitting jobs, moving 3 countries and 2 continents, new jobs, keeping in contact with family and dear friends over thousands of miles, amazing new international friends, and now cancer. We’ve crammed a lot into 4 years and it has most definitely had its highs and lows…but that is the journey we like to call marriage.

I have received some funny reactions when I’ve told people here that I’m married: “But you’re so young!” “Interesting, marriage is so old fashioned.” “Good for you, personally I don’t see the need for marriage.” This is a sweeping generalization but from conversations I’ve had here a theme tends to be that marriage is an institution created by the church and is no longer relevant in relationships. Folks here (generally) believe that choosing to be together is enough they don’t need an outside contract to maintain the relationship…plus a wedding can be freaking expensive. In an era of skyrocketing divorce rates I can see the points they are making. A wedding itself does not equal a lasting commitment.

I can’t judge that perspective but I can say the reasons why we chose to. When we got married, it was important for us to celebrate our commitment to each other in front of God, our family and friends. These are the people who will help us to hold on to our

Our White Sapphire rings…diamonds are not this girl’s best friend :-)

marriage when things get difficult…it wasn’t a commitment taken lightly (to wear a white dress and throw a party) and it has been tested significantly. We had the principles we wanted to build our marriage on engraved into the rings we exchanged. One of Jonathan’s good friends, Rick, created his own symbolic language called water tongue (Click the hyperlink to be taken to the website) Side note: I know at this point you want your own friend who has created a language, it’s OK you can borrow mine. He’s crazy talented :-) …and in this symbolic language we have the following words etched into our rings:

  • Jonathan-commitment-Lynnea
  • Faith-Hope-Love
  • Grace-Heal-Laughter
  • Freedom-Friend-Trust

They have all played a substantial role in our marriage and I wanted to include a sentence about how we are currently experiencing each one:

  • Commitment: choosing the relationship even when life is difficult and unexpected
  • Faith: believing that God is who he says he is and can work miracles
  • Hope: Knowing in our hearts that life wont always be like this…hoping for a better tomorrow
  • Love: As an action where we both make choices to show and extend love to each other and the people around us. Things fall apart when we rely on love as a feeling.
  • Grace: Struggling to fully internalize the grace God has given us and to offer the same grace to each other in ways that we have failed
  • Heal: A very practical one right now…in fully healing my body
  • Laughter: To claim every opportunity we can to laugh and enjoy the blessings in life and not be bogged down by everything heavy right now
  • Freedom: Attempting every day to live in the freedom God has given us and not be consumed with anxiety or fear
  • Friend: Surrounding ourselves with good friends and family…and being a friend to each other
  • Trust: Right now trust and faith are interlinked…we trust also that God is who he says he is and is at work in this situation

Happy Anniversary Amor…4 years down and many more to go.

Lynnea

P.S. but since this is also about a chemo infusion…please continue to pray that the IV goes in on the first time. :-) This has been one of the biggest blessings during this process.

P.P.S. This has been a fun day to look back on and remember.

Right after Mike said…you may now kiss the bride…and Jonathan’s comment was AMEN!

Smile :-)

Dancing the night away…

Fit op weg

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If you have been following along on our journey you know that through the course of my chemo treatments I have been participating in a “Fit op Weg” class…or what I have dubbed chemo-cise. They gave me a fitness test 11 weeks ago before my first infusion to assess my cardio capacity and strength. I was then given a workout routine to complete twice a week, designed with a goal of maintaining my current fitness level through the duration of my treatments. Well…their goal was maintaining…maintenance for me was the minimum. My goal was to get stronger.

I enjoy challenges and pushing myself to try and achieve new things. Sometimes it’s fun, sometimes it’s not but I always learn a hell of a lot about myself along the way. It’s taken some time to convince people in my life that I am “taking care of myself”. They are nervous that I might be pushing myself too hard and it’s a fair point. I have been known, on occasion, to sometimes push myself too hard but not now. I listen to my body and if I REALLY don’t feel well I will skip my class. If I’m just tired…I will make myself go because my body feels better after exercise…and then I will take a nap…and eat some chocolate. ;-)

All of this build up was to say that after 10 weeks of chemo I was given another fitness test today and I have improved in all areas!! Yahoo! My aerobic capacity and ability to use oxygen (V02 max) have both improved slightly and my 1 time max leg press and leg curl both increased by 10%. Not too shabby considering that every 3 weeks I am recovering from a round house kick to my immune system. But now it means my exercise program just got harder…bring it on. :-)

Blessings,

Lynnea

Happy Birthday to me

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Tomorrow is my birthday…the big 32. Big? I can hear the sarcastic snort from anyone older than me through my computer. :-) I know I’m still young but I feel like this year has

I’m a Cancer with Cancer…fitting :-)

aged me physically and mentally in ways that are difficult to describe. I’ve never been a big birthday celebration person. Most of the time a few friends at a pub and a nice dinner are more than enough. My birthday has always felt like a normal day and I let it pass with a mild interest and add another digit to my age. This year is different. This year I feel very profoundly that we don’t know how many birthdays we will get. That absolutely nothing in this life is guaranteed. My perspective right now is a bit colored by news I received this weekend of a fellow “chemo-cise” exercise partner. She was one of the few women I connected with and was always there with positive encouragement and to ask me how I’m doing. She knows what I’m going through because she had the exact same pathology that I do (down to the same number of affected lymph nodes) and therefore the same treatment. Chemo was finished for her 2 years ago and she was pronounced a “survivor”…on Friday she learned that the cancer was back and had spread to her global lymphatic system and she’ll learn next week whether it had spread further. It is hard to separate her news from my future. I hear a lot of stories on both sides. For some people the cancer goes away and stays away. Others are not as fortunate. The problem is never being able to know for sure which side you’re on.

Yikes, heavy I know. I won’t wallow in this place but the news is fresh and right now it’s pretty consuming especially as I’ve approached my birthday. This past week I have been thinking about how different things are now and all the things that I’ve either learned this year or felt on a deeper level. I’ll list a few of them…

  1. My God is very real and very present. This isn’t superficial statement…there were days I couldn’t have gotten out of bed but for his grace
  2. Asking “Why me?” is a tempting but extremely dangerous question…and one that causes an endless spiral and doesn’t have an answer
  3. Hope is a powerful force. Despair is an equally powerful force. And I have the choice.
  4. We are surrounded by family, friends and coworkers who have been generous and supportive beyond what we feel like we deserve but are extremely thankful for.
  5. As a woman I will never define myself by my hair or by my body parts.
  6. That being said…don’t underestimate the mental benefits of knowing you look good. A little retail therapy and some make up can be trans-formative.
  7. Our bodies are absolutely amazing and can fight off a lot naturally. Feed them well and keep them strong.
  8. I never knew “You have a nice shaped head” was a valid compliment :-)
  9. Sometimes I have to yell or throw something. No one keeps it together all the time, nor should I have to.
  10. Nose hairs have a purpose. And if you happen to not have any during allergy season keep some tissues handy.
  11. I am stronger than I knew…
  12. …but I need to work harder on allowing myself to be weak and allowing people to help
  13. Never ever take your health for granted

I think that’s enough for now. Hope y’all had a good weekend.

Blessings,

Lynnea