I have sat down to try and write a blog post a few times this week but my thoughts are all over the map and nothing coherent came out. So now I am embracing the fragments and putting them out in bullet form:
- Side effects from the 5th infusion are still rolling along…they are heavier each time but still thankfully not the worst case they could be. Again the IV on the first time! I realize now that it’s a bit out dated but here are the “vlaggetjes” that the nurses in the chemo ward hung up for our anniversary.
- My body has now fully succumbed to “chemo-pause” and will be with me for the next few years. I love my mother dearly but never imagined we would be able to commiserate about menopause symptoms. Hot flashes are no joke! I never thought I’d say this but the one life saver is being bald! A cold, wet towel feels AMAZING.
- My heart has been heavy with stories of recurrence and women who are facing extremely difficult battles. This disease sucks and takes so many things it shouldn’t.
- I had an emotional break this week. I had just learned that my dear chemo-cise friend was now officially facing an aggressive recurrence and I couldn’t shut out the hurricane of emotional noise in my life right now. I have often prayed on my knees but this was the first time I felt like I physically couldn’t stand up and was forced down – Completely overwhelmed by the unknown path laid out in front of me. I feel alone in so many ways right now but God met me in that cathartic space.
- After my meltdown I spent an hour dreaming about running away. Where could I fly to tomorrow and leave all this behind…beaches, mountains, cities. It was fun to dream for a bit and get my mind off things. But I know that running away is not a solution. And while I want to fucking kick the crap out of cancer, I know that I can’t leave it behind. It’s part of my story now and I am being transformed by it.
I know this seems heavy, but I’ve had some good light hearted moments also…I’m feeling a bit bi-polar. Let’s blame the chemo-pausal mood swings.