Monthly Archives: February 2013

Practicing Thankfulness

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It’s Wednesday again and time for another “Storm Survival” tip. This one can be tough to put into practice but I found it dramatically adjusted my perspective. I wrote down 5 things Igratitude was thankful for and looked at it every day…sometimes many times a day. In the midst of the chaos of emotions it can be difficult to shift your focus from everything that is going wrong to thankfulness. It takes a decision and an intentional effort. But at least for me it helped to keep me from sinking deep into a pity party and actually moving towards being overwhelmed by everything I do have. In the midst of all the hardships I have been blessed by A LOT this year and it is very humbling.

There is a reason why “thankfulness” is considered a discipline…you start out slow. Just like if you were just starting with running. You don’t go from couch potato to marathoner instantly. You build up over time and the first few weeks of training can feel like you are doing the most unnatural thing EVER. But the more your body adjusts to running the easier it becomes to go the distance and then even further. I found the same thing to be true with thankfulness.

The first few times I tried to transition my thoughts “Ugh, life is not fair. Why do I have to deal with this? Cancer and chemo and radiation!! I wasn’t supposed to have to face this at my age. Life just keeps getting worse! My marriage wasn’t supposed to face these hardships…EVER” to…

“Yes, life is unfair. But I am so thankful that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my family and friends love me. I am thankful for a job that has given me support and the space to heal and recover. I am thankful for a roof over my head and that I don’t have to worry about going bankrupt with medical bills. I am thankful for the hard truths that came out in my marriage because I would rather be dealing with the truth than a lie.” I could almost feel my brain physically rebelling in the exercise. It is not a natural state. Especially in our “me-centered” consumer focused culture where we are trained to be discontent unless we have _______ (health, family, job, relationship, iphone 5, etc)

I will add one caveat: it is OK to say that things are still HARD while you are practicing thankfulness. There is nothing magic about it. Everything that was difficult isn’t suddenly fabulous…it is probably still difficult. This is training yourself to focus on what you HAVE rather than what you don’t which will help you see the difficulties in a different perspective.

Practical tips:

  • Write your 5 things down and tape them somewhere (bathroom, front door, kitchen)
  • Set an alarm on your phone with your 5 things
  • Buy a bracelet or ring that will represent your intention towards thankfulness…every time you look at it let it remind you of what you do have

Inevitably there will be people out there who can’t think of 5. You don’t need to think of 5 (that was just a round number for me) but challenge yourself…sometimes being thankful requires changing the way you think about a particular circumstance.

  • Gas prices are SO high it is too expensive to fill up my car > Be thankful you have a car
  • Work is SO stressful > Be thankful you have a job in this economy

You get the idea. Here’s to a thankful Wednesday!

Blessings,

Lynnea

Scanxiety

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What, you don’t know what that is? I didn’t either…but I have it. “Scanxiety” is a word used (primarily in cancer circles) to describe the “uneasiness” or anxiety patients have around waiting for the results of diagnostic testing. Especially cancer patients. We already know how bad the results can be.

I have my first set of tests tomorrow since my world was flipped upside down a year ago. I fully expect them to come back normal but the fear is there…lurking…in the back of my mind. What if the chemo didn’t get it all? What if the Tamoxifen is not working and it comes back? What if it spreads? At this point there is nothing I can do except be vigilant in checking and attempt to let go of the things I can’t control. But with these tests you never really know until the results are in and even then it is a momentary reprieve from the unknown.

I am at least thankful I live in an age where testing like this is possible…and I look forward to an age when cancer has been cured. I’ll send out an update tomorrow after my appointment.

Blessings,

Lynnea

Walk the Line

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My second installment in my “storm survival” series is how to walk the fine line between being gentle with yourself in hard times and being a victim.

“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Life is not fair – get over it. This was a saying my mom was fond of…it would come out most often when I was complaining about something my sister got but I didn’t…or so & so’s mom lets her do that why don’t you…or how could you do that to me I didn’t deserve it! (To be fair to my mom I’m sure that I did deserve it :-) ) Even though we’ve heard this statement over and over the reality of “Life’s not fair” takes a long time to sink in…if ever. It creates a cognitive dissonance because where is the justice? Good things should happen to good people. Bad things should happen to bad people. Maybe this is the way it should be but it most definitely is not. Does that mean we stop trying to be good people or actually fighting for social justice? No, it just means that we recognize that even though we’re good people bad things can still happen. The next question is “What are you going to do with it”?

When something unexpected/unfair/devastating happens most of the time the first days/weeks are an emotional blur. It can be difficult to function. There can be pain, grief and overwhelming questions. You might have to deconstruct what you thought you knew about life and reconstruct another reality. You might want to sleep all day or turn to another method of numbing the pain. Or maybe nothing this dramatic. In this initial season all I can say is be gentle with yourself but do your best to not react. Don’t push yourself too hard. Focus only on the things that need to be done. Let people support you. Give yourself space to just be _________ (angry, sad, hurt, etc) but don’t let it turn you into a person you aren’t. Here is a question to ask yourself: “If I wasn’t feeling _(insert emotion)_, would I make this decision? would I treat people this way? would I write that nasty e-mail?” If yes, more power to ya. If no, take a breath…say a prayer…this intense season will pass.

BUT…there will come a time when you need to decide how this new situation is going to shape who you are. And it will shape you. Now that it is part of your reality you can either choose to be a victim of your circumstances or choose to let it add to your life. No one can tell you when your season of being gentle is turning into a pity party because everyone is different but internally you know it. It’s the moment when you spend more time thinking about the injustice of the situation rather than the pain you are experiencing. Holding on to injustice can be a comfort. There is someone or something else to blame and you don’t have to take any responsibility for your pain…it is much safer to point fingers.

“When you blame others you give up your power to change.” -Unknown

Taking responsibility and letting go of blame requires humility. Especially if you are truly a victim of a another person’s bad choices. You didn’t ask for it…it was dealt to you. Nobody would blame you if you became bitter. Taking responsibility for yourself may feel like you are letting them off the hook and justifying bad behavior. It’s not. It’s steering your life in the direction you choose. But if you don’t come to peace with things that have happened it will control you. And THAT, ultimately, is your choice…but no one will ever say it is easy.

A few practical suggestions:

  1. Be honest with what you have the energy for. Don’t over commit. But on the flip side don’t under commit and be a hermit.
  2. Sometimes you need to turn off Facebook. When things are difficult the comparison game is especially bad.
  3. Decide if there are some things that are best worked out with a counselor – the time I spent in counseling was invaluable. What? You didn’t think I came up with all this on my own right? ;-)
  4. Do something little that makes you smile – I bought myself sun flowers, My mom during tough times bought herself a Latte every morning. Treat yourself. Brighten your day.
  5. Make lists of things you can control and things you can’t. Focus on what you can. Set small goals and work toward them when you are ready.
  6. Sign up for Streams in the Desert a daily inspirational e-mail that always seemed to provide the encouragement I needed in the really tough times. You can find the link here.

If you’re reading this and some of what I said resonates with you…you’re probably facing a tough time in your life. For that I am truly very sorry. Now…what are you going to do with it? Til next Wednesday.

Blessings,

Lynnea

Happy Cancer-versary

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One year ago on Feb 16, 2012 a Dr. walked into his office and gave me (and Jonathan) the cancerversary devastating news of…you have breast cancer. This appointment started the roller coaster of surgery…IVF…chemotherapy and radiation that then consumed the next 8 months and transformed the rest of my life. I will never forget that moment. When the world stops and it feels like the bottom has fallen out of your hopes and dreams. I can’t believe it has been a  year and I can’t believe it has been only a year at the same time.

How do you mark an anniversary like this? With tears? Yes. With good friends gathered around you celebrating what you have overcome? Also yes. I knew this week and weekend would be difficult with Valentines Day and my cancer-versary so I decided to throw a dinner party and mark this milestone with good friends around me. I filled my home with people who love me and have absolutely surrounded and supported me this year. I truly don’t know where I would be without them and am humbled by the blessing this community has been in my life.

Full dinner table = Happy heart...Sorry Alejandro next time I'll get one with your eyes open. ;-)

Full dinner table = Happy heart…Sorry Alejandro next time I’ll get one with your eyes open. ;-)

I chose to focus on things I had gained this year rather than everything I lost. Don’t get me wrong…I had my times of grieving and I still wish the C-word had never struck but THAT is something I can’t change. I CAN change how I choose to allow this to shape my life and recognize the depth of faith, strength, compassion and determination I have because of the trials this year. In the midst of everything I have a lot to be thankful for.

There were a lot of great moments but my favorite was when I brought out the dessert. I know that some BC patients can have a hard time with how our disease is trivialized by a pink ribbon and gimmicky/sexualized advertising campaigns. Most of the time I share those feelings but I decided to poke a little fun at Breast Cancer (I’ve earned it) and made “Boob cookies” for dessert. They were hilarious and delicious. And a great end to my cancer-versary.

It took a lot of energy (Maybe too much because I am now down with the flu :-( ) But it was worth it. The perfect way to mark the anniversary that nobody wants but can provide a great opportunity for a party if you take it.

Blessings,

Lynnea

You are not alone

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I wrote a post last week about my observations of how we can increase or decrease our emotional bandwidth based on the way we move through life’s storms. If you missed it check it out here. The basic premise is that if you face the hurt and pain life throws at you head on without escaping or numbing…but standing face into the wind…you increase your ability to experience joy. Again, no academic backing to this but a lot of life lessons.

What I didn’t write about is HOW we stand in the storms. I am going to start a series on my blog called “Storm Survival” where every Wednesday I will write about what this has looked like for me practically. Its easy to say “stand” but a whole other thing to actually do it. And quite honestly “standing” is figurative there were several days I was actually curled up in bed because the thought of facing life that day was too overwhelming.

The first tool in my toolkit is the knowledge that you are not alone…honestly and truly God is with you…this just didn’t look like I expected it to look. And it definitely didn’t always feel wile-e-coyotelike it. I chose to believe His promise that He would never “leave me or forsake me”…unfortunately most of the time this is more obvious in hind sight. And before you have “hind sight” you just have to trust that it’s true and that is very VERY hard. If I look back on this year and my gradual decent into the deepest valley I have ever walked through I can honestly say “You truly never left me”. Because if the timing or order of events had been changed (and they easily could have) I probably would have dropped off a cliff in free fall into the valley…splat on the bottom.  The bottom of the valley was coming either way but the path I took to get there meant that I arrived upright and not Wile E Coyote flat as a pancake. But if I’m honest in the midst of the times when nothing made sense and everything seemed to be getting worse it was almost impossible to believe this was true.

I think sometimes Christians can have a very skewed perspective on how Jesus operates in our lives in the midst of these terribly difficult times.  If we say Jesus is our “refuge” and “comfort” that doesn’t necessarily mean you will all of a sudden feel better. Eventually, yes. Immediately? Probably not. I’ve watched people try to force themselves to be joyful and hopeful even when they aren’t just because they feel like as Christians they should. What does hoping in Jesus mean when things feel black? Or when you’re disappointed? There are many resources on this subject I am just going to tell you what helped me.

  1. Give yourself permission to be exactly where you are at with God. Angry, doubtful, disappointed, grieving…just honest. I promise He can take it.
  2. I read Psalm 77 everyday…I wrote about it here. This seemed to reflect the emotional cycle I was caught in. Anger/Anxiety for (v1-6) Questions about whether God was even there or if he would keep his promises (v7-10) Then a moment of pause remembering who God is (v11-12) When you remember who he is then you are reminded you can trust his faithfulness and power (v13-20). But since I am human I didn’t remember for very long and the cycle would repeat. On the hardest days I felt like I was in a tumble dryer because I was constantly going around and around. Not anymore. Things will always get better.
  3. A prayer I would pray in the morning. “Jesus you told me that you are the healer and redeemer of my heart. I believe that. It is only by your power. Only you know the depth of my pain. My heart hurts to a level I didn’t know was possible. You see it. You feel it. I trust that you will heal it. Please give me strength for the process and grace for today.” And then…I made myself get out of bed.
  4. I reminded myself that I would never be given more than I could handle on any given day. There were days when I thought I had been pushed too far and I thought that God had severely over estimated me…but it was never too much. It easily could have been.

Blessings,

Lynnea

 

 

 

Let’s talk about Lent

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It starts this Wednesday.

I was raised Catholic so Lent was an annual obligation I was accustomed to. (If you are uncertain what it is click here) Every year 6 weeks before Easter Sunday we would talkLent about what we were going to give up for the next 40 days. One year I gave up my blanket. :-) As a kid I never really understood why…it was just something we did. No meat on Fridays and choose something to abstain from. There was always a strategy to what I would choose. It should be significant but not too difficult that way the next month and a half would be bearable. And it couldn’t be something like spinach that I wouldn’t really miss. Many people give up alcohol or another vice…actually Carnival started as a way for people to get all their demons out of their system before they had to give everything up for Lent. Nice.

It took until my early 20′s to figure out the real beauty behind this fasting season. It is not an obligation but an opportunity. On Easter Sunday we are celebrating Jesus’ resurrection and God’s victory over sin. It is a joyful day. But you can’t have the celebration on Sunday without the pain and sacrifice of Friday. Friday is the day where we recognize that a blameless Jesus died an agonizing death on a cross for the sins of humanity. For me. For you. The ultimate sacrifice.

Living in a western culture I know that I don’t have to experience sacrifice very often. I live in a pretty comfortable, entitled environment. And it is easy for me to sing praise songs on Easter Sunday without really “getting it”. Not that we could ever possibly “get it” but the Lenten season gives you the chance to change your habits for a bit to have a daily reminder of the real reason we are celebrating on Easter. I believe you can either subtract something (make a sacrifice) or add something like a spiritual discipline…as long as you made an intentional choice you will notice.

I found 3 questions that I thought were great when trying to decide what you may want to do for this season:

1. Is there a habit or sin in my life that gets in the way of me loving God? How can I make a change to address this?
2. Why am I giving this up? How does it draw me closer to God?
3. How do I want to be different when I wake up on Easter?

Here are a few ideas:

  • Giving up various food items: meat, sugar, coffee (caffeine if you don’t want to cheat with tea :-) ), alcohol
  • Taking a break from Facebook, TV, Computer
  • Adding a discipline: reading the bible every, 10 minutes of silence, quiet time in the morning
  • Taking a walk with God everyday
  • Not turning the computer on immediately when you get home – taking 30 minutes to be “unplugged”
  • Reading a chapter from the gospels every day

And if you decide on one…tell someone it will keep you more accountable. :-)

Blessings,

Lynnea

The hidden beauty of pain

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“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?“

Khalil Gibran (1883-1931)

I have heard a lot of painful stories in the past week and as much as I want people I love to not be hurting…there is nothing I can do to take it away. So I just sit with them in spirit.

I have no evidence or academic understanding for what I’m about to say, it is purely observational, so please take it for what it’s worth. But after walking through this past year I am convinced that the depth we allow our hearts to plunge into the pain and sorrow of life we have the same depth and capacity to experience joy. Meaning if you really face the full force of the emotions as they are swirling around you…no escaping…no numbing…maybe curling up in the fetal position and praying for the day that life does not hurt this much…but standing face into the wind waiting for the storm to subside. Eventually it will and when the storm does calm and the sun does rise you will have the capacity to experience joy to the same depth you felt the pain. Your emotional bandwidth increases (Just in case you forgot I’m an engineer. :-) )

But this is the place where people can make a mis step. Facing and experiencing the pain is scary and it hurts…both physical and emotional. Most people don’t like it and would rather avoid it…this is the birthplace of addictions and unhealthy ways of coping. Because if you choose to numb the pain I am convinced you also numb the joy…and then ultimately just become numb. Your emotional bandwidth decreases.

I have a bit of a visual picture for this. Imagine standing alone in a field. Just you amongst the grass. There are no trees for protection. It is flat. A storm kicks up. It’s wicked. Crazy winds. Rain blowing sideways. And you fight with all your might to keep from being blown away. You aren’t sure how long it will last or whether you can keep up the fight…but somehow you manage. You dig deep and eventually…eventually the wind calms and the rain stops. You aren’t fighting as hard to keep upright and slowly the sun begins to rise. It’s the most beautiful sight not only because of the rays between the clouds and the rainbow of colors but because you know how bad it could be. Man, are you excited to be in the sun!! You close your eyes, take a deep breath and let it warm your face…soaking it in.

Now imagine you are back at the beginning of this little story…alone in the field. But this time when the storm kicks up you build a shelter to protect you from the wind and the rain. It makes it a lot easier to live through the storm without being blasted and soaked…you don’t have to fight as hard to survive. But when you’re in the shelter you can’t tell when the storm calms and the sun is rising. You wont see the beauty after the storm…you are just stuck with the 4 blank walls inside. Sure, you weathered the storm alright but you just traded that for the sunrise and warming rays on your face.

I, for one, would rather face my storms to then feel the sun on my face.

These are just my Wednesday evening musings. Take them for what they are worth. :-)

Blessings,

Lynnea

 

Joy in all circumstances? Really?

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YES! I can remember the first time I read this passage in college:

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:4-7 NIV – underline emphasis mine :-)

I sat back and thought…Yeah right. There is no way you can honestly have Joy in all circumstances. Some things are just hard! I mean really f-ing hard!! Sometimes there is nothing in you that wants to be joyful or thankful. Why do we, as Christians, need to always force a smile and attempt to have hope and joy. I knew that the author, Paul, was writing these lines in prison and was possibly facing execution…so his life wasn’t so stellar. But still…there was NO WAY you could be authentic and have this be true…always.

Sometimes it is a matter of perspective

Sometimes it is a matter of perspective

Until this year. This year taught me how I had been thinking about this passage wrong for the last decade. I was so focused on the underlined parts…rejoice ALWAYS…be thankful no matter how hard the circumstances ALWAYS…and trying to force myself to feel these things. I missed the fact that I can just come as I am (crushed, frustrated, broken hearted, tears streaming down my face, hopeless) and PRAY and ASK…and it is God GIVING me peace…a peace that doesn’t actually make sense but is real. It is a gift. And that gift then inspires joy and thanksgiving and hope.

What I need to say now is that Joy for me doesn’t equal the feeling of happiness. There were dark days this year when the emotional pain was so intense that I thought it would be easier if the cancer just took me. Waking up every morning was too hard. I was tired of being surrounded by the uncertainties of my health and people I care about dying. I didn’t know how to face the foundations of my marriage being shaken. I didn’t even want to go to the super market because I would have to stretch my exhausted chemo-brain to interact in even the simplest Dutch phrases. I didn’t (and honestly most days still don’t) FEEL happy. I would change a lot about my current situation but in the midst of it all there is a peace and a joy in my core that I can’t explain…and if you look at my circumstances doesn’t make sense. But it truly is what God promised.

I have begun my “re-integration” program at work and it has been great to see my coworkers again and to begin to establish a normal routine. I have had at least 12 people tell me that I’m glowing…not an adjective normally used. :-) I say thank you and know that if it were up to my own strength this year I would have crumbled and given in to despair a while ago. But I am truly thankful to Jesus that I didn’t.

Blessings,

Lynnea