Category Archives: Faith

Let go of the envelope

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In case you missed it my jewelry website went live a couple weeks ago.

(Please consider “Liking” my Burning Brightly Facebook page to keep up to date on new posts and designs)

And I have actually received some orders. :-) So this past week and a half I have been frantically making trees trying to get them into the mail before the Royal craziness descends on the Netherlands tomorrow. (And I literally mean “Royal” craziness…Queen Beatrix is abdicating the throne to the crown prince Willem Alexander on Tuesday making him the first King here in more than a century. And we will celebrate that with a big party and a controversial song – if you’re interested check out “The King’s song”/”Koningslied” here )

Now once I finished the trees and carefully packaged them…I had a moment of anxiety as I brought them to the post office. If I choose to have the package tracked it increases my shipping cost by $25, which is substantial. But with standard post I drop the envelopes in the box, say a prayer, cross my fingers and do a rain dance hoping they make it to the proper destination. I am completely powerless to guarantee they reach the right person and am at the mercy of the postal service. It is not easy for me to let that go.

Now my mom likes to send me inspirational e-mails periodically and right after I came home from the post office this “Streams in the Desert” email was in my inbox.

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” Hebrews 11:1

Genuine faith puts its letter in the mailbox and lets go. Distrust, however, holds on to a corner of the envelope and then wonders why the answer never arrives. There are some letters on my desk that I wrote weeks ago, but I have yet to mail them because of my uncertainty over the address or the contents. Those letters have not done any good for me or anyone else at this point. And they never will accomplish anything until I let go of them, trusting them to the postal service.

It is the same with genuine faith. It hands its circumstance over to God, allowing Him to work. Psalm 37:5 is a great confirmation of this:”Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this.” He will never work until we commit…

Talk about timing. It was interesting to me that I had just wrestled with the reality of releasing these envelopes and came home to an e-mail comparing that to releasing all aspects of my life. Releasing the control of reaching a certain destination. Recognizing the talents and gifts I have been blessed with and offering those back to God to use for his kingdom. Releasing my fears of judgement and apprehension about whether I am good enough.

And while I know there is a reason why I don’t fully trust the Postal Service…it is not infallible and does lose packages. I am thankful that in the things that really matter I can fully entrust them to God. I have had to put my weight down on Him in every aspect of my life this year. And His faithfulness continues to humble and amaze me…although you’d think I would come to expect it by now. :-)

What are you holding on to? Are there things you need to release?

Blessings,

Lynnea

Free to love

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I don’t often listen to “Christian” music…most of the time it comes across as a bit sappy and lacking any emotional reality. But I have a Spotify list that I turn on every once in a while and a song We are Free by Aaron Shust caught my attention (not necessarily in a good way – sorry Aaron):

The chorus is what stands out to me:

We are free to love like our god has loved we are free to give like he gave
We are free from sin we are free to begin to forgive as he forgave.
–> With blue skies and sunshine and soaring chords

I absolutely believe these words are true but, as Christians, are we ready to accept the reality of them? When I hear a song like this it is easy to get swept up in the melody and passively sing along with the lyrics…content to let the words wash over me without taking a moment to step back and evaluate what “loving like he loved”, “giving like he gave” and “forgiving like he forgave” look like in my life.

Today is the beginning of Passover (a Jewish holiday remembering the Hebrew people being freed from slavery and Israel being established as a new nation) and is celebrated with food, family and friends. The (arguably) most famous account of a Passover dinner is “The Last Supper”…the last meal Jesus shared with his intimate friends before he was arrested, humiliated, beaten and crucified…to be resurrected on Easter Sunday. This dinner has been the inspiration for countless works of art and I have found myself reflecting on its significance this year.

OK…here’s a really basic synopsis and paraphrase: There is Jesus, who knows he is about to be cruelly executed and suffer TREMENDOUSLY (physically and emotionally). He sits down to dinner with his closest friends. Friends who have been with him night and day…listened to him…laughed with him…prayed with him…shared life with him…but still Jesus on the crosscan’t really see him for who he is. Judas is at the table and has already made the decision to betray him by turning him over to the authorities and ultimately to his death. He looks at the rest of the disciples and knows that they are also weak and will deny him at this most desperate time. They are arguing about who will be the greatest and Jesus knows that once he is dead they will be terrified and run away to hide. He knows that he will be abandoned and that they will break his heart but he STILL LOVES them. He washes their feet and gives them one last urgent sermon…tells them to love each other as He loved them…to lay their lives down for each other…He is about to leave them but they wont be alone…he is telling them but they can’t hear it…he knows they are blind and can’t fully understand what he is saying but over and over he is talks about how much he loves them…how much God the father loves them and wants them to know Him…to follow the way he lived his life. Jesus looks at them and says “I love you. I want the best for you. I want freedom for you. I want REAL life and joy for you. I want you to know me. I want you to love this world like I love it.”

He knows these are still the same men who will turn their backs on him in a few hours. Betraying him. Abandoning him. Allowing fear and self preservation to consume them. Jesus knew they couldn’t understand what he was saying but he told them anyway because someday they would. He urgently wants them to know how much he absolutely loves them and is proving it by dying in their place.

OK…wow. Loving like Jesus loved is not necessarily a cheerful upbeat song. It is personal and requires a tremendous amount of sacrifice and humility. Loving someone means truly wanting the best for them. And it’s not just loving the people that are easy to love…it means loving the bad people too…the people who have hurt you. People who have wounded you with hard hearts and selfish choices.

  • It can be an injustice in your past
  • Maybe someone used you in a relationship
  • If there is a person whose mere name makes your blood boil
  • Someone at work stabbed you in the back
  • ….the list goes on

God loves them too!! You see the world differently when viewed through the lens of how much you are loved and forgiven. Do you look at this world with compassion and see blind, wounded people just trying to live life and find love and affirmation (probably in the wrong places)? Or do you see their behavior and put them in a box with judgement? Can you see through their choices and have mercy on the hurting heart that made them? Or do you want to stand on righteousness? Please keep in mind I am writing this as much to myself as anyone. And I don’t mean we need to live life without boundaries. Jesus took time to care for himself. Loving someone does not protect them from consequences but allows the truth to be revealed.

But on the cross…as Jesus was dying he said…Father forgive them for they know not what they do. Basically – They are blind.

So yes, we are free to love like he loved, give like he gave, forgive like he forgave…and actually living life that way is the only TRUE freedom…but let’s not pretend it is as easy or happy as our songs may make it seem. Maybe if more Christians truly lived life this way it would be easier to convince people that it is actually “Good News” rather than a list of rules.

Looking forward to Easter,

Lynnea

Lenten Check – In

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We are now at about the half way point in the Lenten season. There are 3 more weeks until Good Friday and I wanted to send out a little check in note. If you chose to add something or abstain from something how is it going? In the past I have found Lent decisions to be kind of like New Year’s resolutions. I’m enthusiastic about it for a couple weeks or so and then it becomes less intentional until I forget about it. 40 days can be long. And if I break a fast during Lent I can feel an extra layer of guilt because I let God down or just give up because “Now that I’ve broken my commitment I suppose there’s no use continuing for the rest of the time”. This is where I have to remind myself that it was never about me to begin with. It was never about what I did or didn’t do or if I did or didn’t do it perfectly. It is about Jesus and the grace offered to us on the cross and the freedom in his resurrection. Period.

I did something different for Lent this year…normally I wouldn’t talk about it but I think it may be helpful for some people out there. My personality tends towards perfectionism and I can very easily be caught in the trap of legalism and somehow thinking that I am “earning” my way. It is easier for me to live in a black and white world with rules that need to be followed and consequences if they are broken. It is much harder for me to accept and rest in the gray/grace filled world God offers. This year for Lent I gave up alcohol…but not completely. Most of the time I choose not to drink but I have allowed myself to pick one day during the week to have drinks with friends. Some people may not think I am actually observing a Lenten fast…I do…and honestly that’s all that matters. When I choose to abstain from alcohol I am absolutely reminded of Jesus’ sacrifice and my dependence on him. When I choose to have some drinks with friends (and if I’m honest I felt a little guilty about it at first – like I was doing something wrong) I am reminded of the gift of grace and that it is absolutely NOT about me. The word that best describes this season for me this year is Freedom and it has been such a blessing.

So, I can say this…wherever you are at…maybe you are diligently observing your Lenten commitments…Maybe you started strong and lost focus…Maybe you never made any commitments. It’s not about you and it is never too late to start. There is nothing magic about the full 40 days. It is about making an intentional effort to prepare your heart for Easter. You can start (or restart) now… It is ultimately about recognizing the price Jesus paid for your life and the freedom that brings.

Blessings,

Lynnea

Let’s talk about Lent

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It starts this Wednesday.

I was raised Catholic so Lent was an annual obligation I was accustomed to. (If you are uncertain what it is click here) Every year 6 weeks before Easter Sunday we would talkLent about what we were going to give up for the next 40 days. One year I gave up my blanket. :-) As a kid I never really understood why…it was just something we did. No meat on Fridays and choose something to abstain from. There was always a strategy to what I would choose. It should be significant but not too difficult that way the next month and a half would be bearable. And it couldn’t be something like spinach that I wouldn’t really miss. Many people give up alcohol or another vice…actually Carnival started as a way for people to get all their demons out of their system before they had to give everything up for Lent. Nice.

It took until my early 20′s to figure out the real beauty behind this fasting season. It is not an obligation but an opportunity. On Easter Sunday we are celebrating Jesus’ resurrection and God’s victory over sin. It is a joyful day. But you can’t have the celebration on Sunday without the pain and sacrifice of Friday. Friday is the day where we recognize that a blameless Jesus died an agonizing death on a cross for the sins of humanity. For me. For you. The ultimate sacrifice.

Living in a western culture I know that I don’t have to experience sacrifice very often. I live in a pretty comfortable, entitled environment. And it is easy for me to sing praise songs on Easter Sunday without really “getting it”. Not that we could ever possibly “get it” but the Lenten season gives you the chance to change your habits for a bit to have a daily reminder of the real reason we are celebrating on Easter. I believe you can either subtract something (make a sacrifice) or add something like a spiritual discipline…as long as you made an intentional choice you will notice.

I found 3 questions that I thought were great when trying to decide what you may want to do for this season:

1. Is there a habit or sin in my life that gets in the way of me loving God? How can I make a change to address this?
2. Why am I giving this up? How does it draw me closer to God?
3. How do I want to be different when I wake up on Easter?

Here are a few ideas:

  • Giving up various food items: meat, sugar, coffee (caffeine if you don’t want to cheat with tea :-) ), alcohol
  • Taking a break from Facebook, TV, Computer
  • Adding a discipline: reading the bible every, 10 minutes of silence, quiet time in the morning
  • Taking a walk with God everyday
  • Not turning the computer on immediately when you get home – taking 30 minutes to be “unplugged”
  • Reading a chapter from the gospels every day

And if you decide on one…tell someone it will keep you more accountable. :-)

Blessings,

Lynnea

Joy in all circumstances? Really?

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YES! I can remember the first time I read this passage in college:

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:4-7 NIV – underline emphasis mine :-)

I sat back and thought…Yeah right. There is no way you can honestly have Joy in all circumstances. Some things are just hard! I mean really f-ing hard!! Sometimes there is nothing in you that wants to be joyful or thankful. Why do we, as Christians, need to always force a smile and attempt to have hope and joy. I knew that the author, Paul, was writing these lines in prison and was possibly facing execution…so his life wasn’t so stellar. But still…there was NO WAY you could be authentic and have this be true…always.

Sometimes it is a matter of perspective

Sometimes it is a matter of perspective

Until this year. This year taught me how I had been thinking about this passage wrong for the last decade. I was so focused on the underlined parts…rejoice ALWAYS…be thankful no matter how hard the circumstances ALWAYS…and trying to force myself to feel these things. I missed the fact that I can just come as I am (crushed, frustrated, broken hearted, tears streaming down my face, hopeless) and PRAY and ASK…and it is God GIVING me peace…a peace that doesn’t actually make sense but is real. It is a gift. And that gift then inspires joy and thanksgiving and hope.

What I need to say now is that Joy for me doesn’t equal the feeling of happiness. There were dark days this year when the emotional pain was so intense that I thought it would be easier if the cancer just took me. Waking up every morning was too hard. I was tired of being surrounded by the uncertainties of my health and people I care about dying. I didn’t know how to face the foundations of my marriage being shaken. I didn’t even want to go to the super market because I would have to stretch my exhausted chemo-brain to interact in even the simplest Dutch phrases. I didn’t (and honestly most days still don’t) FEEL happy. I would change a lot about my current situation but in the midst of it all there is a peace and a joy in my core that I can’t explain…and if you look at my circumstances doesn’t make sense. But it truly is what God promised.

I have begun my “re-integration” program at work and it has been great to see my coworkers again and to begin to establish a normal routine. I have had at least 12 people tell me that I’m glowing…not an adjective normally used. :-) I say thank you and know that if it were up to my own strength this year I would have crumbled and given in to despair a while ago. But I am truly thankful to Jesus that I didn’t.

Blessings,

Lynnea

Construction in the Desert

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Me at breakfast in front of the towering Burj Khalifa

I spent 3 days this past weekend in the bustling cosmopolitan city of Dubai. It is a city that has built its identity using superlatives…biggest, fastest, longest, tallest (Fun Fact: It holds 102 world records and Guinness has even opened its own Dubai office to handle all the applications.) From man made islands to the towering 828m Burj Khalifa to the indoor ski hill and the never ending malls the propensity towards extravagant construction was immediately apparent. It had been a long time since I was in a city with a skyline as impressive as Dubai’s and I spent most of my time wandering around with wide eyes soaking it all in.

Much like Las Vegas, Dubai transforms itself from a dusty steel desert city during the day to a dazzling light show at night. It is beautiful. And as an engineer I can appreciate the complexities of the design and

The Dubai Mall and Fountain

construction. It is a city that is built from many people asking the question “We can build this, Why not?” rather than “We can build this, should we?” It might feel like a small difference but it is the difference between taking a selfish self promoting perspective and recognizing the global impact of those decisions.

The environmental effects of Dubai’s rapid growth and luxury lifestyle are significant. Structures are built without adequately considering the availability of water and electricity…and with limited resources the UAE has one of the highest water consumption rates in the world. To support the demand for fresh water the UAE (and other gulf countries) rely heavily on desalinized water from the Persian Gulf. They pump the water in, remove the salt and then pump the excess sludge back into the ocean. In 2010 the Gulf’s salinity level had already increased by over 50% from the levels 30 years prior which is enough to threaten ocean life and plants. The desalination process is energy intensive and coupled with the power required to run the lavish city pushes the demand beyond what even this energy rich region can support. The UAE has turned to nuclear power plants to close the gap between energy supply and demand which will create its own environmental problems. This construction/consumption model is not sustainable on many levels…but it sure is pretty to look at.

It made me think of the ways we choose to construct our lives. Are they lives we build out of choosing our self and getting our own way. Or are they lives we build by choosing Christ and allowing the Holy Spirit to do the construction…or selfish vs. supporting life. Paul cautions us about the difference between these 2 construction techniques in Galatians:

“It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex, a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness, trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants, a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community.” Galatians 5:19-21 (The Message)

-

“But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard — things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.” Galatians 5:22-23 (The Message)

It all boils down to choices and focus…I for one will choose life and sustainability.

Blessings,

Lynnea

Burj Khalifa at night

View from the observation deck. Notice the edge of the city and the start of the desert.

Indoor ski hill at the Emirates Mall

Sorry Mom…

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This year is one that I would not care to repeat…EVER. But I will admit that I have learned more about myself and the overwhelming love and faithfulness of my father in heaven. These are lessons that I wouldn’t give back. They have transformed me and my perspective on the world and relationships. I am and will be a better person because of them. That’s what hardships do…they refine and purify your character…if you choose to face them rather than escape.

“We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling short changed. Quite the contrary – we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit.” Romans (5:3-5) – The Message

I am leaving cancer behind me. I finished the treatments. I ran a 4 mile race here in Groningen as my victory lap. I took down all the lovely support cards that poured in from around the world and “de-pinked” my house. :-) I appreciate all the love people sent my direction, seriously humbling, but I am moving forward. I will never know if the cancer will come back…all I can do now is live and live fully.

This year has been tremendously difficult for me but also for my mom who wanted so desperately to be close and to be able to take care of me. She was able to make 2 trips over at the beginning and the end of the treatment but I know that she worried, prayed and sewed her way through the last 8 months. (When she gets anxious she makes napkins and aprons as a distraction. :-) ) It is harder for people who love me to not be physically close to so they can see that I am actually doing quite OK despite my current situation. It is difficult but I have faith. I have hope. And I have real joy.That being said I am going to add 1 more month of worry to my poor family. (I hope someday to have my own children…and I’m sure there will be payback) I booked a post cancer holiday to the Middle East for a little desert walk about. My life has felt a bit deserty recently and I decided it was a fitting way to cap off this season. So…I will spend the next 3.5 weeks in Jordan, Bahrain and Dubai. I leave tomorrow and I promise, mom, to check in as often as I can. :-) These countries are perfectly safe but the blogging will be a bit sporadic because I wont always have access to a computer. I will try to post some updates when possible.

Blessings,

Lynnea

Just Breathe

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My posting has been non existent this past week because I spent the week on the Mediterranean in Spain…fairly disconnected from all things digital. It was glorious! And sorry to make you jealous. :-) I have spent the last 7 months feeling like the ground was falling out from beneath my feet. Every time I thought I had re-established my footing the bottom would drop out again. I was exhausted and tired of reinventing myself…having emotions and tears wrung out of me like a wet dish cloth. A friend of mine had been offering to host me in Calafell for ages and this seemed like the perfect time so I decided to take him up on it (Thanks Richard!!!) I collected my jetlagged mother at the airport in Schiphol and off we went.

Typically I like beach vacations for about 3 days and then I get a bit antsy to “do” something or “see” something. Calafell is 40 minutes south of Barcelona by train and I had grand visions of day trips into the city and exploring nearby villages. It was an amazing opportunity to explore the Catalan region of Spain…BUT that was not what I needed. This was a photo taken on my first morning there and it proved to be very difficult to move me from this spot for the whole week. Can you blame me? :-) It was my own private retreat and I finally had the head and heart space to just sit and let God pour into me. So honestly, I didn’t do much except sit, pray, read, write and look at the ocean…and breathe. It was a complete blessing.

I am coming out of this week knowing with every fiber of my being that my God loves me… Lynnea. He knows my name. In the midst of the billions of people on this planet He created me and absolutely adores me. He loves me in spite of all the ways I let him down and break his heart. He paid a huge price for me and I have done nothing to earn it. That love does not mean that things are easy, in fact it means that in the darkest times I feel it most profoundly because I know how little I can do on my own. Truth be told it is actually a pretty cool place to be. Crazy right?

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.

I’ve called your name. You’re mine.

When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.

When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.

When you’re between a rock and a hard place,

it won’t be a dead end –

Because I am GOD, your personal God,

The Holy of Israel, your Savior.

I paid a huge price for you.

all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!

That’s how much you mean to me!

That’s how much I love you!

I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,

trade the creation just for you.

Isaiah 43:1-6 (The Message)

Trade all of creation (read universe) just for me? Wow. Happy Wednesday everyone.

Blessings,

Lynnea

Searching for “something”

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My blogging has been a bit sporadic lately because life took another major turn and I have once again been trying to pick up the pieces and recover my “new new normal”. I changed the tagline of this blog to “Living for Jesus…dealing with breast cancer and life.” Because while I feel like I am in the twilight of this breast cancer battle that is only a small part of what I am trying to reinvent. Many people have told me how strong I am through this…and while I know I’m strong…I’m not THIS fucking strong. But God is.

When I first moved to the Netherlands I was asked frequently if I was “religious”. Honestly, I didn’t know how to answer that because I believe in God but don’t think that “religion” has done a very good job of representing him on this earth. I don’t believe in a church or an institution…I believe in a good, loving and personal God. A God who knows me. A God who won’t prevent bad things from happening (obviously) but will support, love and restore me through them.

Faith to me is a recognition that there is a longing in my heart for “something”. In college I tried to fill that “something” with an engineering degree or partying. And while there were some fun times I would wake up in the morning and know that there was “something” more than what I was choosing. No amount of hobbies or career aspirations or relationships or money or travel or                   would fill that “something”. Only God. I heard a story about a God that created the heavens and the earth…but knows every hair on my head (heh, that’s not too hard for Him right now :-) )…not a God of condemnation…but a God that knows all the dark places in my life and loves me anyway. A God of grace. A God that wants me to know him as intimately as he knows me. This God filled that “something”.

Now that I’ve written a few things that God is to me…here are a few that he isn’t:

  • A political party
  • A license to spew hateful words or condemnation
  • A crutch for when bad things happen…I promise if you put your full weight on a crutch that isn’t real you will still fall on your face
  • A free pass to the “good life”…or feeling that if things aren’t easy it means God doesn’t exist or doesn’t care
  • God is not a cosmic vending machine there to solve all your problems, in the way you want them to be solved in the timing you want.

So if you are looking at my life from the outside…dealing with cancer…navigating a relationship crisis…in a foreign country…please know I get out of bed and write a blog post only because I am being upheld by his righteous right hand.
Blessings,

Lynnea

PS – On a health update I only have 4 more radiation appointments left!! Wahoo…I’m done on Thursday.

 

Tree in the desert

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“Alone amidst a desert in Bahrain, there is a tree that defiantly stands with its roots deep in the sand. It is called the “tree of life.” Its source of water is unknown and none have been able to understand how such a symbol of life can survive in such a desolate area. Its leaves are full of color and it is a remarkable testament to fortitude in the face of adversity.”

Earlier this summer I was scouring the internet for inspiration on how to use up my store of chip beads. I had them in a variety of colors but had no real vision for what they could be. I happened across a design for a “Tree of Life” pendant and immediately had my direction. The image of this tree stubbornly surviving and thriving in the harshest of environments seemed to embody my life. I am this tree. Right now my life is a desert devoid of anything that promotes life. But deep deep in my heart I am tapped into my life source. Jesus will help me not only survive but thrive in this season. There is beauty in the desert I just need to find it.
Blessings,

Lynnea