It wont always be like this

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“It won’t always be like this”…A phrase I have heard countless times this past year and one that has even escaped my mouth once or twice. :-) I recognize the truth of the words and hold on to the hope of a better tomorrow. But what are you supposed to do when it is “like this” and tomorrow isn’t here yet? How do you live well in the midst of a storm season you would rather not be in? Excellent question. And one that I have found does not have an easy answer. Sorry. It takes time and patience. Two things that don’t fit well in our “I want it now” culture.

I just returned from a whirlwind trip to Israel. It was amazing to walk places Jesus walked and to put some of the bible stories in context. It was frustrating to see how “Religion” and icons have taken over many holy places. The bible said Jesus sneezed here once…Let’s build a church! OK that’s an exaggeration but it doesn’t feel too far from the truth. It was humbling to reflect on the span of history that God has been operating in…Exodus…Solomon’s Temple…Jesus…Present Day…Many many thousands of years. I truly am just a breath in the grand scheme of things. It was inspiring (and sometimes exhausting) to meet new friends and share stories.

One thing I learned very profoundly on this trip – it’s not about me. If you have followed my writing this year you will notice there are a lot of references to the desert and the desert season I am in. Waiting. Hoping. Trusting. I don’t like my desert season and I would rather exit it as fast as possible. I wasn’t sure what I would learn on this trip but I was hoping God would give me a clear view of what I am working towards…what I am waiting for…my personal promised land. He didn’t. What He did do is shift my eyes from my life and problems  to His big picture (At least what my finite mind can comprehend). His character does not depend on my circumstances. I didn’t get my end game but a historical lesson in His love, faithfulness, protection and redemption that rolled over me like a tidal wave. It’s really not about me. I left Israel feeling like God spoke these words to my heart:

“I am not going to give you the end because I am asking you to stay close and follow me. I know it is frustrating. I WILL work all things out for your good. I am leading you to still waters and green pastures but sometimes the path there requires a stint over rocky inhospitable terrain. There is a bigger plan trust that I know where I’m going…this season will end…just not today.” – God

Deep sigh…OK. I get it…at least for right now. I will probably need to be reminded tomorrow. But my question from the beginning is still relevant. How do I have hope for a better tomorrow while still trying to do life in a today I would like to change?

Practical Tips:

  1. Be honest with yourself and God. Every morning and evening…and many times through out the day my prayers go something like: Lord you know me, and you know my heart…you know the pain and my desires for tomorrow. Take the pieces of my heart and life…Heal me. Help me to hear your voice and surrender to your path. Wash, rinse, repeat…this is not easy.
  2. The repetitiveness of waiting can become overwhelming. Plan things to look forward to. Break up the routine. It can be a trip or a coffe break at a favorite cafe. As big or as little as you are able.
  3. I like the devotional “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. Some small moments every morning helping us tune into the voice of Jesus. It helps me to focus on His character rather than my issues.
  4. When I hear of people talk about their “Waiting” times they are rarely completely absent of activity. Most of the time there are specific things you can engage that will challenge and grow you as a person. For me I am getting more invested in my church and I took a huge risk by launching my jewelry website.

Please pass on suggestions for your own strategies for navigating the “Waiting” periods in the comments section. What gets you out of bed and inspired for the day?

If you are interested please check out my Tree of Life website HERE. Sorry for the abscence of photos…I haven’t had time to upload and process them from my trip. Here’s to another week.

Blessings,

Lynnea

Colors of Hope

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The colors of hopeSince I am travelling I don’t have time for my normal Storm Survival post…and it is a day late. :-) But I am going to write a quick review of the book that has been the biggest inspiration for me walking through this season. I first read this book, Colors of Hope by Richard Dahlstrom in December of 2011. (You can check it out in more detail here) It was at a time in my life when things were pretty “easy”. I was working in Europe…we were traveling when we wanted to…living an expat life can be lonely and isolating but all things considered it was good. However, everything felt a bit empty. It is hard to describe. I could do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it but I wasn’t investing anywhere and without that life was pretty selfish and seemed to lack direction.

This book is a call for Christians to be artists in this world…to paint our lives with the gifts God has given us and to truly share mercy, justice and love with the people around us. Artists! People who create beauty. People who share real hope for redemption and transformation. It was as if something in my heart was waking up and my eyes shifted from myself to actively looking for ways I could paint beauty on this world. I was inspired.

THEN came cancer…do I still want to be an artist with hope knowing now how much I can’t control? Yes. Absolutely. And the door opened with this little ‘ol blog to share my thoughts along the way.

THEN the chasm went deeper with a marriage crisis and separation…Crap, do I still want to be an artist with mercy and forgiveness when that seems like the last thing I want? Gulp…harder…but again YES. Absolutely.

This book and this year have transformed my heart and my faith. The colors we, as Christians, are asked to paint with are not trivial. They can be hard choices. But there is real hope and redemption in the suffering. I just re read this book through the lens of all the securities that were stripped out of my life…and the words still pierced my heart…in fact I read them with more urgency. Through all the hardships I have felt more freedom, more joy, more love than ever in my life and honestly I can’t help but share. Not to convince people of a path but to be authentic and let people judge for themselves if it is true. Because no one will believe that Christianity is good news until it is at least different news.

Blessings,

Lynnea

Moved to tears

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Sorry in advance for the spelling grammar mistakes – I am typing this much faster than I normally do. :-)

I spent Easter weekend in Paris with my dear sister in law  Leah. Despite the freezing temperatures we saw a good amount of the city. We ate in cafes…We went to museums…browsed through boutiques…meandered through (still winterized) parks…had Good Friday service at Notre Dame…strolled the Champs Elysees…and took in most of the highlights. But I finally admitted something to myself on this trip. I love art but find the big museums difficult.

There are so many people and so many pieces it is difficult to fully appreciate them. You wind up moving through it so quickly because there are too many things to see. We went to the Musee d’Orsay and it was amazing and beautiful but, honestly, I will remember the lunch in their unbelievable restaurant more than the art I saw. I am more naturally drawn to local artisans and boutiques…I prefer to meet the people that are still creating the art and hear the stories behind their creations. I will remember the pieces I saw by the famous painters (actually Degas is my new favorite) but I will also remember the old lady in the outdoor market who makes her own hats…they were beautiful…I bought one. :-)

So keeping this in mind I gave myself permission to skip the Louvre. I looked at the line and it was daunting and the whole experience seemed claustrophobic. I know it is probably amazing and there is a reason everyone goes but it wasn’t the right experience for me. I was honest with myself  and decided the big reason I would go is because I should…every one does. But that wasn’t a good enough reason for me and because I gave myself the freedom to do what I wanted I stumbled into the most moving art experience of my life.

Our hotel was in the Latin quarter perfectly situated to walk to all the main highlights. Every time we walked towards Notre Dame we would pass this much less impressive Gothic Cathedral – St. Severin – sometimes several times a day. It was stuck between some modern buildings and much easier to miss. But with my free day I was on my way to explore another neighborhood and decided to duck into this church on the way. It had the same vaulted ceilings as Notre Dame on a much smaller scale. A beautiful organ in the background. But when I turned the corner and saw the stained glass windows…my heart stopped for a moment. These windows were more abstract colors rather than the clean biblical scenes you can often find….and there was one that spoke directly to my soul. Please forgive my iphone photos…it doesn’t ever do them justice. Saint SeverinI can’t explain why this was so significant but it seemed to capture the current state of my soul. This stained glass draws my eyes from the bottom to the top. It feels chaotic…a bit like my emotions right now. There are more red, yellows (hopeful colors) and then you move to a section with very deep tumultuous blues. There are a few splotches of bright colors inter mixed but the majority of the middle feels heavy. The small hopeful moments are there but they are difficult to hold onto as the tide is always changing. But again my eyes are drawn up and eventually the dark blues shift again to vibrant lively colors and I imagine there is more hope and less pain. Redemption. Hope. I am currently in the dark color region trying to hold onto the fleeting hopeful moments but I believe that I am moving towards a hopeful tomorrow. I don’t know who the artist is…or whether he is famous…I just know that it felt like it captured my soul.

So, yes, I skipped the Louvre and spent 3 hours in St. Severin…in stillness…in quiet…with tears and only with this one window…it was the best decision for me. I have never had art in church move me the way this did and I am so thankful. This experience was made possible by letting go of the “shoulds” and letting my heart lead. I am going to try that more often.

I will be writing a bit more sporadically over the next week and a half due to travelling so I may not be able to get my storm survival posts out…but I will try.

Blessings,

Lynnea

PS Here are a few other fun shots from the weekend

Write it out

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I guess before I was a “blogger” I was already a writer…but in journals and much more personal. It was a big step to send some of those thoughts out to the internet for y’all. Journaling is freeing. I don’t have to worry about grammar or whether my thoughts flow and make sense. I am free to just pour my feelings out on the page. I find that the physical act of writing focuses me and helps me to process through emotions. When I am left to just think my brain can run away and wind up in an endless spin cycle. Writing helps my thoughts have a direction.

Here are some of the benefits I have found with journaling…especially during a storm season. 1. I can look back and see how far I have come. How God has answered prayers and how I have been transformed as a person 2. It keeps feelings from being trapped inside 3. I found more acceptance for myself. If I wanted to write about the same feeling 2 days in a row…2 weeks…2 months in a row it didn’t matter. I was free to be honest without judgment. If I wanted to draw pictures…I drew pictures. It was a space to explore myself. I could write to myself…to God…to other people in my life. Sometimes I transferred these thoughts to e-mails most times I didn’t. 4. When I see the words on a page they become more real to me and often I need that. I have written sentences and just sat and started at them waiting for the reality to sink in. One from a year ago:

“I am 31 and I have Breast Cancer”.

I would come back to that over and over until it was no longer shocking…until I was able to accept my new reality.

Starting to journal can be a bit intimidating if you’re not used to it. Here are a few ideas:

  • Let go of the idea of there being a “right” way to journal. You can even start your journal by writing “I’m not really sure how this is going to turn out for me but…” Write questions, write emotions, write hopes/dreams, write prayers. This is for you. Don’t judge yourself if you don’t write everyday or fill volumes and volumes. Use it as a tool to get to know yourself and document your process.
  • Buy a journal you like and are inspired by. I like to collect my thoughts in beautiful books. Some people are content with a plain sketch book or want their journals to be all the same. I select a journal by how I am feeling at the moment I am starting it. This is a photo of my last 3 journals (all of them by Paper Blanks):Photo1(4)The blue one I selected when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer…I wanted something soothing and calming The orange/brown one I selected when I was exploring my desert season The illuminated Gutenberg Bible (Genesis) is the one I am just starting because right now I am holding on to how God has been faithful through the generations.
  • Use a pen you like to write with. I like Gel Rollers. The words just seem to glide from the end. :-)
  • Find an inspiring location. Maybe it’s a park…maybe it’s a café…maybe it’s in a chair in the sun.

Happy writing.

Lynnea

Free to love

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I don’t often listen to “Christian” music…most of the time it comes across as a bit sappy and lacking any emotional reality. But I have a Spotify list that I turn on every once in a while and a song We are Free by Aaron Shust caught my attention (not necessarily in a good way – sorry Aaron):

The chorus is what stands out to me:

We are free to love like our god has loved we are free to give like he gave
We are free from sin we are free to begin to forgive as he forgave.
–> With blue skies and sunshine and soaring chords

I absolutely believe these words are true but, as Christians, are we ready to accept the reality of them? When I hear a song like this it is easy to get swept up in the melody and passively sing along with the lyrics…content to let the words wash over me without taking a moment to step back and evaluate what “loving like he loved”, “giving like he gave” and “forgiving like he forgave” look like in my life.

Today is the beginning of Passover (a Jewish holiday remembering the Hebrew people being freed from slavery and Israel being established as a new nation) and is celebrated with food, family and friends. The (arguably) most famous account of a Passover dinner is “The Last Supper”…the last meal Jesus shared with his intimate friends before he was arrested, humiliated, beaten and crucified…to be resurrected on Easter Sunday. This dinner has been the inspiration for countless works of art and I have found myself reflecting on its significance this year.

OK…here’s a really basic synopsis and paraphrase: There is Jesus, who knows he is about to be cruelly executed and suffer TREMENDOUSLY (physically and emotionally). He sits down to dinner with his closest friends. Friends who have been with him night and day…listened to him…laughed with him…prayed with him…shared life with him…but still Jesus on the crosscan’t really see him for who he is. Judas is at the table and has already made the decision to betray him by turning him over to the authorities and ultimately to his death. He looks at the rest of the disciples and knows that they are also weak and will deny him at this most desperate time. They are arguing about who will be the greatest and Jesus knows that once he is dead they will be terrified and run away to hide. He knows that he will be abandoned and that they will break his heart but he STILL LOVES them. He washes their feet and gives them one last urgent sermon…tells them to love each other as He loved them…to lay their lives down for each other…He is about to leave them but they wont be alone…he is telling them but they can’t hear it…he knows they are blind and can’t fully understand what he is saying but over and over he is talks about how much he loves them…how much God the father loves them and wants them to know Him…to follow the way he lived his life. Jesus looks at them and says “I love you. I want the best for you. I want freedom for you. I want REAL life and joy for you. I want you to know me. I want you to love this world like I love it.”

He knows these are still the same men who will turn their backs on him in a few hours. Betraying him. Abandoning him. Allowing fear and self preservation to consume them. Jesus knew they couldn’t understand what he was saying but he told them anyway because someday they would. He urgently wants them to know how much he absolutely loves them and is proving it by dying in their place.

OK…wow. Loving like Jesus loved is not necessarily a cheerful upbeat song. It is personal and requires a tremendous amount of sacrifice and humility. Loving someone means truly wanting the best for them. And it’s not just loving the people that are easy to love…it means loving the bad people too…the people who have hurt you. People who have wounded you with hard hearts and selfish choices.

  • It can be an injustice in your past
  • Maybe someone used you in a relationship
  • If there is a person whose mere name makes your blood boil
  • Someone at work stabbed you in the back
  • ….the list goes on

God loves them too!! You see the world differently when viewed through the lens of how much you are loved and forgiven. Do you look at this world with compassion and see blind, wounded people just trying to live life and find love and affirmation (probably in the wrong places)? Or do you see their behavior and put them in a box with judgement? Can you see through their choices and have mercy on the hurting heart that made them? Or do you want to stand on righteousness? Please keep in mind I am writing this as much to myself as anyone. And I don’t mean we need to live life without boundaries. Jesus took time to care for himself. Loving someone does not protect them from consequences but allows the truth to be revealed.

But on the cross…as Jesus was dying he said…Father forgive them for they know not what they do. Basically – They are blind.

So yes, we are free to love like he loved, give like he gave, forgive like he forgave…and actually living life that way is the only TRUE freedom…but let’s not pretend it is as easy or happy as our songs may make it seem. Maybe if more Christians truly lived life this way it would be easier to convince people that it is actually “Good News” rather than a list of rules.

Looking forward to Easter,

Lynnea

Active Waiting

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On Monday, I wrote about a song that has inspired my “waiting” this year and today I am going to write about how to be active while you wait. Actively waiting may seem like a bit of a contradiction but our storm/desert seasons are profound moments God uses to mold and shape us.

Waiting is not a very popular attitude. Waiting is not something that people think about with great sympathy. In fact, most people consider waiting a waste of time. Perhaps this is because the culture in which we live is basically saying, “Get going! Do something! Show you are able to make a difference! Don’t just sit there and wait!” For many people, waiting is an awful desert between where they are and where they want to go. And people do not like such a place. They want to get out of it by doing something…

From “Waiting for God” by Henri JM Nouwen

Waiting. Everyone has had to do it. Waiting for the elevator. Waiting for Christmas. Waiting for someone. Waiting for a situation to change. Waiting for treatment to be over. Waiting for healing. We don’t like waiting because by definition there is something we want that we can’t have (yet). We become focused on what we are waiting for…either by trying to get there faster or by trying “not to think about it”. This type of focus takes a lot of energy.

When I was in Jordan this past fall (if you’re interested you can read about it here) I was often reminded of the 40 years the Hebrew people spent in the wilderness before God allowed them to enter the promised land. 40 years?! Yikes…that’s a long time to be waiting. They were oppressed and captives in Egypt…God performed some powerful miracles to break them free…God promised to establish them in a land flowing with “milk and honey” (read: pretty sweet place :-) )…and then had them wait in the desert…and not just wait for a year or two but 4 decades. I imagine I would lose hope because right now I can get frustrated with waiting for a month or two. But Israel actually needed this waiting period. They weren’t going to go from slaves to an independent nation overnight they actually needed a season to grow and become ready…a desert season.

It got me thinking about my own current desert season and how much time I spend focused on what I am waiting for…my “promised land”. I have absolutely no control over certain things in my life and I have to continually let them go. When I let go and admit there’s nothing I can do to influence the waiting time it is easy for me to down shift into a passive mindset. “Things will happen the way they are going to happen…I just need to sit back and let it unfold.” While there are certain things I need to let go of there are probably many opportunities to embrace my own internal change.

Next question…how do you figure out what you would like to or need to work on?

  1. Were there choices you made that got you into the storm season? Do you know why you made them? This may be an opportunity to explore and understand some of the wounds in your life and see how they have influenced your path. With understanding comes the ability to make better choices in the future.
  2. Get to know God better…Book recommendations: The Bible (maybe try The Message translation), “The Jesus I never Knew” by Philip Yancey, “Mere Christianity” C.S. Lewis, “Knowing God” by J.I. Packer. Get to know yourself better…take a personality test (www.humanmetrics.com) find out where you get energy and how you make decisions.
  3. Is there something you would like to study? or need to study? Maybe it’s time to go back to school for another degree. Maybe it’s joining a hobby course. Read some non-fiction books. Maybe it is teaching yourself a new skill. Is there something you have just always wanted to know more about? Photography, Cooking, Painting, etc. Take a step back out of the reality of your life. If you didn’t have all the practical constraints what would you love to do? If you can’t answer that…give yourself a little bit of space to soul search. OK, now mentally step back into reality and see if there is a creative way to work your interests in.
  4. Evaluate your fears. What are they keeping you from? Do you need to move? Change churches? Step out of people’s expectations? Has life become too “safe”? For years people have been telling me that I should sell my jewelry. I always said no because I didn’t want to turn my hobby into a job and take the fun out of it. Reasonable right? I sat back last month and was very honest with myself…Is that the whole reason? No, not totally. I was insecure that what I made would never be good enough and fears that people wouldn’t actually want to pay for them? What if they criticize me? How do I put myself out there like that? Well…I can tell you that after living through this last year I had to laugh at myself a little bit. Seriously, what is a bad review in the grand scheme of things? :-) So, I decided to give it a whirl…I will use the money I raise to fly home to Seattle more often and I can always stop if I don’t like it. This is part of my “living” in 2013. I will start with my trees but might expand to other items. You can look for the store opening sometime in mid-April. Get excited.
  5. Are there disciplines you want to explore? Yoga, running, meditation?
  6. There are some interesting practical tips on active waiting at www.selfgrowth.com

If you have any other suggestions for “active waiting” please leave them in the comments section. Til next Wednesday.

Blessings,

Lynnea

PS – You can follow this link for a sneak peak at my online store – Burning Brightly
I will be out of town until the middle of April but will open it up for sales then…eek it’s really happening :-)

I will wait

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I am often encouraged by music and the latest Mumford and Sons album Babel (released September 2012) came at a perfect time for me. I enjoy this band with their folksy banjo riffs and indie rock vibe. The song I keep coming back to is “I will wait”. They are not a “Christian” band (Honestly, what is that anyway??) but their lyrics are deep, spiritual and often bring tears to my eyes. When I listen to this song I think of redemption and restoration…and it inspires me to wait for Jesus and his timing.

There is a lot I could say (and honestly probably will :-) ) but here are some of my favorite lyrics.

Well I came home like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of dust which we’ve known
Will blow away with this new sun

I can physically feel these words. You know those days when you are so exhausted it takes all the energy you can manage just to collapse on the couch? I imagine my body feeling like that and my heart/spirit heavy like a rock…barely able to take tiny steps forward…then I imagine using my last bit of strength and collapsing…not onto a couch but into God’s arms. There is strength and protection there. I picture the cares and concerns weighing me down blowing away like dust in the wind…sometimes the “blowing” is more like a sandstorm but eventually the sun comes out and reveals the new life underneath. I love this image.

And I’ll kneel down wait for now
And I’ll kneel down know my ground

I don’t know if you are a “kneeler”. :-) I am at times. I find it to be a posture of humility and recognition that everything I have in my life is a gift. It is a peaceful posture. It is vulnerable. You aren’t going to be moving anywhere quickly. Sometimes it hurts a little but somehow praying on my knees helps me to recognize more deeply how desperately I need Jesus. I love the next line about knowing your ground. It is easier to wait when you know what or who you are waiting for. It is also easier when you know what or who holds you up during the process. What is the foundation beneath your knees? What do you rest on while you are waiting? Is it solid? Is it quicksand? Do you know it? My ground was remembering who God is…and becoming more familiar with his works and promises. Knowing my ground. He has been faithful through the generations…He loves me more than I can hope to comprehend…He promises to heal and redeem me. His character is constant and doesn’t change with me or my circumstances. I can kneel and wait on a firm foundation…my rock.

So I’ll be bold as well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh and fix my eyes
A tethered mind free from the lies

When I find myself “waiting” I can be very reactionary. Most of the time I am waiting because I am not able to have something I want. Sometimes I know the timeline…most times I don’t. And when I don’t know the timeline I can grab onto the first thing that may move me closer to what I want. Often that is not the best idea. So using my head AND my heart really resonates with me. When you just react it is mostly emotional. Also, the image of taming and tethering makes me think of a young horse in the process of being broken and trained. It is initially wild and out of control…fighting for its own way against the will of the trainer…slowly, with time and discipline it submits and allows itself to follow commands. It lives a much more peaceful life without the intense struggle. We can be like that horse and fight very hard for our own way. But ultimately we fight against God because we have wrapped ourselves in lies. Lies of entitlement. Lies of idols. Lies of identity. Lies of value. As those lies are broken and we begin to see the truth and fix our eyes on Jesus…our lives will become more peaceful and free…and it also becomes easier (Note I said easIER…not easy :-) ) to wait and trust. 

Here is a simplified overview of the story the lyrics tell…it’s basically a Psalm. My spirit is heavy and weak…I fall into your arms and need you to transform my life…I remember your faithfulness and trust you as I wait..I will remember everything I have been forgiven….as I kneel and seek you I will be transformed more and more into your likeness and freed from the lies of this world. My hands will be raised and my spirit will be gold.

Good stuff.

Blessings,

Lynnea