Processing through disappointment

This week has been disappointing. If you read the beautiful post my husband put up on Sunday you know that we completed an IVF cycle to hopefully give us options for a family in the future. We found out on Monday that only 3 out of the 12 eggs were ready to be fertilized and only 2 out of the 3 were successfully fertilized and will be cryo preserved. Two is a much lower number than I was expecting and given the success rate of a live birth after “thawing out” it feels like a zero. This was the first time I really accepted infertility as a possible outcome of the treatment and was crushed.

I spent most of Monday being very sad. Sad that we have to face this. Sad that our future is so uncertain. But mostly sad that there is nothing more that I can “do” except wait 5 years and hope everything comes back online.  The IVF process helped me to feel proactive in securing our future and it was empowering to have this choice. But as I have been reflecting on the past several weeks I realized how quickly my faith shifted from praying and believing God will heal me completely to putting my trust in a Dr. with a test tube and microscope. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that you either have to choose faith or science. I think they can happily co-exist and support each other.  But my faith in God as my healer needs to be first. I realized that I had mentally put all my eggs in the IVF basket (I figured that was an appropriate idiom…cue comedy laugh track :-)) and was brought to my knees when it did not work out the way I was expecting. It felt like all hope was lost but God is helping me to refocus my faith and restore my hope in Him. Miracles do happen. But, it is difficult to maintain faith/hope in this aspect of the future because it feels very intangible and far away…I suppose only time will tell.

Blessings,

Lynnea

16 thoughts on “Processing through disappointment

  1. Dear Lynnea.

    I can only imagine your dissapointment at most of the eggs in your basket being unable to hatch, meaning the chances of your own home-grown-nest turning out to be slim. (yet not impossible!)
    I would like to remind you of Psalm 91 and especially verse 4.
    Apart from the coincidental feathers mentioned, I especially find the fact that HIS faithfulness being your shield and your rampart incredible.
    HE is the one that is faithful, so remain in Him, and He will do the things you might find impossible at times (like these).
    I am continuing to pray for you, and I will pray in advance for the ‘defrosting processes’ ahead..
    Much love and gentle care,
    Simone

  2. I’m so sorry to hear this. Praying for you through the process – now and in the future. You are strong and enduring and that will help. I know it is difficult to stay positive in the face of so much pain and uncertainty, but if anyone can, you can. Sending love to you and Jon!

  3. Sorry to hear the news too. You 2 are amazing and miracles do happen. Your great faith in God and each other make a lot of unknowns still a possibility. I admire your courage and strenth and honesty with all your feelings and emotions thru all this. Thank you for sharing so much and doing it so beautifully, it is inspiring. I shed tears as I read it often and am sad you have to go thru this, but I pray each day for you and send you hugs. Wish there was more I could do. I am glad you have each other to walk thru it together, you have been thru a lot together, and that gives you a great base to stand together on. Keeping you in thought and prayer. love you, Kay

  4. Damn you! I was reading and mourning with you both in the face of very tenuous news and then you had to go and say “eggs in a basket”… and I just busted out laughing. I hope, looking forward, when people use that idiom I do not think of your very eggs in a petrie dish. But damn, that’s funny. Laughing and crying reminds me so much of what I am thankful for with you two. I miss you. So. Freaking. Much.

  5. And this is when we hang on for dear life to passages such as Habakkuk 3:17
    “Though the fig tree should not blossom
    And there be no fruit on the vines,
    Though the yield of the olive should fail
    And the fields produce no food,
    Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
    And there be no cattle in the stalls,
    Yet I will exult in the LORD,
    I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.”
    Hanging on with you.
    joyce

  6. Oh, Lynnea.
    The past two posts have both brought tears to my eyes, I understand how sad you and Jonathan must feel. The journey of parenthood is such a roller coaster ride (that doesn’t end), and starts with love and desire. Two things come to my heart after reading your posts. One–according the the Catholic Church, you are parents (that life begins with conception!), so on one hand congratulations on taking the huge step toward having children in your home! You’ve never shared, but is there any way your body could handle pregnancy before chemo/radiation, or is that a huge risk? Secondly–God will give you the desires of your heart!!! Never stop believing that.
    I’m sending you both a big huge hug.
    Sincerely,
    Esther

    • Esther,

      Unfortunately there is no chance of getting pregnant before chemo/radiation. Considering that a pregnancy lasts 9ish months that would never fly with the cancer treatment protocols. Pretty much once you have the cancerous tumor removed they give a woman about 5 to 6 weeks to heal and then it’s on to chemo and in Lynnea’s case radiation after the chemo cycles are finished. I wonder what the Catholic Church thinks of freezing life at conception? 😉 I can’t help but think of Han Solo in the Empire Strikes Back… We’ve got two embryo’s frozen in Carbonite 😛

      Jonathan

    • Also since my particular cancer responds to hormones…all the progesterone and estrogen my body would produce during a pregnancy would be like throwing miracle grow on it. Nope, we need to get rid of the cancer and then try.
      Lynnea

  7. I haven’t posted in the past, but feel compelled to post today. I am your second cousin (your Mom, Billie, is my first cousin). First and foremost, I admire the two of you and your faith in God to lead you through all of this. I’ve been praying for you daily. Personally, I have gone through years of infertility and numerous surgeries due to my “female parts” not working correctly. The most recent surgery I had was 16 weeks ago today…a full hysterectomy to remove a large ovarian cyst that they thought was malignant but ended up being benign. My first surgery was in the early 90’s (like you I was in my early 30’s) and desperately wanted a family. We tried everything imaginable to get pregnant, but nothing seemed to work. I remember something that my Auntie Evelyn told me then and her words have always stayed with me during my most difficult times. She said, “God must really love you a lot to ask so much of you.”. So, I offer these same words to you. Have faith. You are clearly good people and God WILL see you through this. I was never able to conceive, but I am a Mother. My beautiful Bulgarian daughter in now 15 years old and is the light of my life. I thank God every day that I was not able to conceive, otherwise I might never have received the most precious gift of my life…..Nicole. Hang in there! If HE can see you to it, HE can see you through it.

    Nancy Quirino

  8. Lay and Jonathan,
    I read both of your posts this week. Thanks again for being candid and helping to cross the distance between your experience and those of us who love you from afar. I can only imagine the disappointment you feel and this news and yet admire your attitude toward this period of waiting. Like so much of the life of faith, this desire calls for a mix of your action and God’s. You two have done what you can do. Learning to wait in the unknowing… that’s hard. I’m sorry for the disappointments. Our prayers are with you.
    love xoxo,
    Em

  9. Lynnea and Jon,
    Thank you for sharing. I am so so sorry.

    My heart is heavy and tears are in my eyes as I try to think of a way that I could ease your sadness. All words that I can think of sound hollow and empy right now. Please, wrap up in the blanket that Alissa and I made for you, have a good cry, and know that you are so loved. I so wish I could be there to comfort you.

    I pray that you will feel God’s love and presence today. Try not to think about the past or the future, stay in the present moment, hold onto each other and Jesus’ cross.

    Love you so much!
    Mom

  10. This, too, will have an answer BEYOND what we now know … or can imagine!! Walking with you. Much love … D (Glen)
    “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

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