This week has been disappointing. If you read the beautiful post my husband put up on Sunday you know that we completed an IVF cycle to hopefully give us options for a family in the future. We found out on Monday that only 3 out of the 12 eggs were ready to be fertilized and only 2 out of the 3 were successfully fertilized and will be cryo preserved. Two is a much lower number than I was expecting and given the success rate of a live birth after “thawing out” it feels like a zero. This was the first time I really accepted infertility as a possible outcome of the treatment and was crushed.
I spent most of Monday being very sad. Sad that we have to face this. Sad that our future is so uncertain. But mostly sad that there is nothing more that I can “do” except wait 5 years and hope everything comes back online. The IVF process helped me to feel proactive in securing our future and it was empowering to have this choice. But as I have been reflecting on the past several weeks I realized how quickly my faith shifted from praying and believing God will heal me completely to putting my trust in a Dr. with a test tube and microscope. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that you either have to choose faith or science. I think they can happily co-exist and support each other. But my faith in God as my healer needs to be first. I realized that I had mentally put all my eggs in the IVF basket (I figured that was an appropriate idiom…cue comedy laugh track :-)) and was brought to my knees when it did not work out the way I was expecting. It felt like all hope was lost but God is helping me to refocus my faith and restore my hope in Him. Miracles do happen. But, it is difficult to maintain faith/hope in this aspect of the future because it feels very intangible and far away…I suppose only time will tell.