Searching for “something”

My blogging has been a bit sporadic lately because life took another major turn and I have once again been trying to pick up the pieces and recover my “new new normal”. I changed the tagline of this blog to “Living for Jesus…dealing with breast cancer and life.” Because while I feel like I am in the twilight of this breast cancer battle that is only a small part of what I am trying to reinvent. Many people have told me how strong I am through this…and while I know I’m strong…I’m not THIS fucking strong. But God is.

When I first moved to the Netherlands I was asked frequently if I was “religious”. Honestly, I didn’t know how to answer that because I believe in God but don’t think that “religion” has done a very good job of representing him on this earth. I don’t believe in a church or an institution…I believe in a good, loving and personal God. A God who knows me. A God who won’t prevent bad things from happening (obviously) but will support, love and restore me through them.

Faith to me is a recognition that there is a longing in my heart for “something”. In college I tried to fill that “something” with an engineering degree or partying. And while there were some fun times I would wake up in the morning and know that there was “something” more than what I was choosing. No amount of hobbies or career aspirations or relationships or money or travel or                   would fill that “something”. Only God. I heard a story about a God that created the heavens and the earth…but knows every hair on my head (heh, that’s not too hard for Him right now 🙂 )…not a God of condemnation…but a God that knows all the dark places in my life and loves me anyway. A God of grace. A God that wants me to know him as intimately as he knows me. This God filled that “something”.

Now that I’ve written a few things that God is to me…here are a few that he isn’t:

  • A political party
  • A license to spew hateful words or condemnation
  • A crutch for when bad things happen…I promise if you put your full weight on a crutch that isn’t real you will still fall on your face
  • A free pass to the “good life”…or feeling that if things aren’t easy it means God doesn’t exist or doesn’t care
  • God is not a cosmic vending machine there to solve all your problems, in the way you want them to be solved in the timing you want.

So if you are looking at my life from the outside…dealing with cancer…navigating a relationship crisis…in a foreign country…please know I get out of bed and write a blog post only because I am being upheld by his righteous right hand.


PS – On a health update I only have 4 more radiation appointments left!! Wahoo…I’m done on Thursday.


12 thoughts on “Searching for “something”

  1. Wish I was at 4 left. I am only half way through radiation. I am putting my full weight on God to carry me through. Hang in there. I know if He brings you to it, He’ll get you through it.

    • All it takes is getting up every day and going. You’ll be done before you know it…and this radiation will be a blip in your rear view mirror. Hang in there. xx L

  2. I love how we get to walk with you through the shit as well as the good and great- I am glad you don’t have to be strong on your own- that none of us do- thank you for blogging- I’m glad I know you 🙂

  3. Lynnea, I don’t know you personally. I went to school with Jon. I really want you to know that even though we don’t know eachother and are thousands of miles apart, I have been going through my own crisis this last few months and sometimes when I’m not sure God is right there with me; I read your blog and somehow a prayer is answered for me. Thank you for sharing the fears, the pain and above all your faith. Some people think that faith is personal (it is) but it is also something God wants us to share because sometimes our faith lifts another up. Thank you for lifting me up even though you didn’t know it. Congratulations! You are almost done and yes, you are strong but even stronger since you find your true strength in God.
    God Bless you!

    • Thank you for your encouragement Michelle. Sometimes it can be difficult because we don’t know how God will show up…but show up He will. Hang onto God. These crises can’t last forever. xx L

  4. I love this posting… Reminds me of a Nichole Nordeman song called Small Enough. We have a great big God, but He IS small enough to know and love the intimate places within us that we share with no one…

    Sending you a prayer tonight that you feel God’s presence in and around you as you continue putting one foot in front of the other. Good luck with these last 4 radiation treatments!!

    Proud of you.

  5. It warms my heart to read such ernest and enlightened writing about religion and God. I bet that, if you wanted to, you could find a broader audience.

    Even though I am an atheist, there is very little daylight between or philosophies. What I call optimism, you call faith and I’m not about to tell you you’re wrong. Right and wrong are not even relevant. The important thing is that it works; I was–and am still–shocked at your ability to take everything in stride and reflect on events as life lessons without a trace of anger. I doubt that I could do the same in your situation.

    We’re always happy to have you over for dinner, should you feel the need for food and company… and possibly a grumpy baby.

    • Thanks for the comment Ryan and I love your grumpy baby. I guess the big difference I see between faith and optimism is that I would have a hard time being optimistic just for optimism’s sake. Faith to me is trust in a real God who can do real things which then inspires optimism. And there’s definitely a “trace” of anger. 🙂 Anger at the unfairness of everything. To be honest, it takes energy to be angry and I’m just tired…so I focus on the things I am learning. Do I wish I wasn’t learning them…absolutely…but does wishing change the situation…no. So I keep moving forward. I will see you guys soon I’m sure. xx L

  6. YES! We know that we will have struggles in this life – sometimes we have way, way, WAY more struggles than we would like or even dare imagine – but just like you said, God will walk with us through every single painful step – all the way to restoration of our souls and healing of our spirit. You are strong and amazing and inspiring. Yay for only four more radiation treatments! You’re almost there!! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s