I am not normally one to over spiritualize things…but there are moments when you just take a step back and go WOAH. Not in the Joey from Blossom kind of way but with awe and humility recognize that sometimes there are things in this world we cannot explain. You see, I came very close to not being able to type this. I believe that the tendons in my left hand should be damaged leaving my fingers useless for a season. The Doctor told me I am very VERY lucky but somehow I don’t believe that luck had anything to do with it. This is where I am going to tread lightly because I know that there are times when bad things DO happen and we don’t feel protected by God. There are heart breaking stories and painful seasons when we feel God let us down. It is not my job to explain why and why not certain things happen. But I feel that I was protected last week and specifically I feel like this blog was protected.
Before I get to the story I am going to summarize the primary lessons/messages I am learning and writing about. I am in the midst of a very uncertain/painful season but I still have HOPE. I feel like I want to write about this hope while the story is unfolding…before I know the ending. I am learning more profoundly how much God loves us. Abundantly. Completely. Beyond what we can imagine. He sees our wounds and wants nothing more than to heal them. There truly is NOTHING we can do to separate ourselves from his love. He will go to the ends of the earth to win us back.
After last week all I want to do is proclaim this more loudly because it is a truth that resonates deep in my soul…it is not always easy to live out but as I continue to fight for love, compassion, mercy and forgiveness God is transforming my heart and I feel peace, joy and freedom to a level I have never experienced. If you look at my practical circumstances there are a lot of good reasons to lose hope but I haven’t. There are a lot of reasons to fall into despair but I haven’t. There are a lot of ways I could give in to anger and bitterness but I haven’t. I have my bad moments and I make choices around this daily but literally every morning and evening I pray through an image of holding up the pieces of my heart to God for healing and restoration. I KNOW that I’m not doing this on my own and it truly is God’s grace at work. In the midst of it…I have chosen to let you in on the process…and this is a story of healing and redemption that I’m sure the enemy would love to silence.
OK…now for the story…and again I am not going to over spiritualize or over dramatize. As I was making breakfast on Thursday morning I had a kind of “daydream” (vision?) about what this blog could become…something that would be many months away but a direction that could bring healing, authenticity and encouragement to a lot of hurting people. I thought…that’s nice but something I will hold loosely because it is so far in the future and there are MANY things that need to happen and change in between. So I focused on the present and continued making my sandwich and eating my cereal.
Two hours later, in the lab, I was working with a model of a new coffee spout I am helping to develop. It was 2 pieces glued together and I needed to cut them apart to get to the inner chamber. I sat down and said to myself that I need to be careful because the Stanley knife (Box Cutter) is VERY sharp. I have cut these pieces apart MANY times before and I know the rule about always holding the blade away from you…I promise I follow it most of the time. But there are moments when the leverage I need to apply requires turning the knife the other direction. I wasn’t moving too quick and I didn’t think I was being careless but the knife slipped and gave me a deep 1 inch cut on the inside of my left wrist. This is a very vulnerable spot and for a few moments I sat in shock about what just happened. I put pressure on it and my colleagues were great in getting me bandaged up and off to the doctor. There was a lot of blood but it wasn’t pulsing so I figured I hadn’t hit a main artery and I could move all my fingers. Both VERY good things. I knew I would need stitches and I felt very embarrassed that I had hurt myself like this…but I didn’t realize how close I came to doing major damage.
The Doctor was a very nice older gentleman. He didn’t speak much English but the 2 words he repeated a few times were VERY LUCKY…sometimes while shaking his head…very VERY lucky. He made some hand motions about my tendons (I had a colleague with me to help translate 🙂 ) and commented that the cut was within 1 mm (less than the thickness of a dime) of damaging them. He popped 2 stitches in and sent me on my way. I still didn’t completely understand how
lucky protected I was until I took the bandage off.
This is a heavily edited photo but it was the only way I could get the cut and the tendons to stand out. You see that the cut was originally following a different path but the moment it would have done major damage it turned and traveled perfectly parallel to the tendon – within 1 mm. When I think about the physics of the way the knife was moving there is no good reason for the path of the knife to abruptly change. Honestly, it feels like it should have continued along that original path…but if it had I wouldn’t be sitting at a computer writing this. I would be recovering from surgery and looking at months of rehabilitation to regain the use of my fingers. No blog for a while. No jewelry for a while.
So…I will leave it at that. I am feeling EXTREMELY THANKFUL that I can still type this and I will respond to a few common comments before you get the chance to make them 🙂 :
- Yes, I promise to be extra, EXTRA, EXTRA careful
- Yes, I know there are easier ways to quit my job and honestly I don’t find suicide jokes particularly funny
- No, this has nothing to do with my being a woman…it probably has more to do with my inability to concentrate on Tamoxifen and the fact that I get 4 hours of sleep a night.
Not the usual Storm Survival post for a Wednesday but wanted to share the excitement in my life…I will never take this blog for granted. 🙂