Last year on August 15th, 2012 I took the last pill of my final chemo regimen. I. Was. Done. I was bald. I was exhausted. I was relieved. My heart was raw. I was ready for my
body to heal. I wanted to move on to and through radiation as fast as possible and get on with finding my “new normal”. It is interesting to reflect back on what life was life last year and how much has changed. I am still searching for my “new normal”…I don’t know why I thought it would be so easy to find. It turns out to be very elusive. Shy. Skittish. I get glimpses and I keep trying to coax it out into my life so I can fully embrace it. The moment I feel like I am starting to establish a routine and rhythm something shifts..AGAIN.
Chemo shut down my hormone production and pushed me abruptly into menopause (read: NOT fun)…a state that continued for the last year with Tamoxifen. And honestly, I thought this would continue for the next 4 years I am taking this medication. I had resigned myself to the hotflashes and night sweats but was actually thankful to not have to deal with all the “other” normal lady stuff for a while. Apparently my body was getting tired of being chemically repressed and staged a coup. It has been a 1.5 month process of guerrilla warfare that has left me confused by symptoms and often in a lot of pain. You don’t over throw big pharma so easily. 🙂 But now that the dictator has been overthrown I feel like I have an unpredictable rebel government in it’s place. Only time will tell which one is better…but I don’t have a lot of choice in the matter. I’m just caught in the crossfire.
So, my normal has shifted…again. I’m getting better about just rolling with it.